can't sleep

It's 4.40, can't sleep.

A damp, cool summer night. My lungs feel as if they are filled with lead. I have been smoking since P came back. We made a pact that I will only smoke when we go out, but he has a friend over and we have been socializing a lot. I only had 4 fags. I used to be able to handle that but now I feel like I am really suffocating, especially lying down. There was a BBQ tonight, I ate tons and drank quite a bit of alcohol - not that much in absolute doses, only a couple of glasses, but I was mixing all sorts of drinks. Had hotdogs, burger, grilled chicken, bread, apsta salad and normal salad and icecream for desert. Again not that much when added up since I sampled most of the stuff, but I feel it churning in my stomach. Which reminds me http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5221744.stm
It all just adds up nicely doesn't it? Last year at big night dinners like this I ended up literally vomiting in the early morning, the food just wouldn't go down. Writing this I feel, and supress, a need for a puke. Thing is I don't even feel bloated. I didn't eat that much, but my body can't handle it.

Drunk young dutchmen and women shouting while they cycle below on the street. I like that actually, it's never quite deserted.

Of course there are other things keeping me awake except my gut and my lungs. I slept a lot during the day, b/c I was so excited over Ps return from a week away, and it was so cool seeing him. Eeven if we didn't spend that much time alone, but the time spent alone sure was quality time. I had my best ever orgasm, i cried afterwards. Cried doesn't describe it actually b/c crying implies a kind of emotion that needs to push out, but it wasn't like that. I just felt completely, utterly free and at ease and tears all of a sudden jerked out of my eyes, without passing first through the painful place in the throat and around the heart where tears usually accumulate until they break the dam. It was an instinct, just like I sometimes burst out laughing after I come, only more and from a deeper place (in my soul that is).

I didn't do much yesterday. Slept after I came, hang around the internet forums. did a tiny bit of work and couple of work-related emails, tried on a very sexy denim miniskirt and went shopping with it only to realize I couldn't handle the male attention, feeling like when I was a teenager or early 20s with the looks and even some guy leaning out of a car to say hello (the heat does something strange to the Dutch) and switched into something loose to hang with P and his (all male) friends. Oh yes and spent an hour browsing through a sex shop catalogue that was sent to the previous female tenant in my apartment.

My God. Most of the things in there I have heard of or seen more or less, but still. It dawned on me how needy people are when it comes to sex. Me too of course. But how.... hungry, how desperate. well isn't that obvious with all the dark sexual stuff in the world. Ran into an article the other day about a school headmaster in England who had sedated his little girls' girl friends and staged scenes of paedopheliac torture and murder, which he filmed of course. I guess I shouldn't be surprised of what people do and need anymore, but I am. I am surprised there is an answer for every need. the need to be pissed on, shat on, fuck grandmothers, watch a robot "fuck" a woman, watch trains of transexuals copulate, fat girls get anally ruptured... you get the picture. And most of the accessories in there, well I know what they do of course, but I can't tell them apart and there are so many. It was an overload of plastic, silicon, porn and vulgarity, and the poor previous tenant's name was actually printed in loud letters on each page, which I found utterly saddening. I mean, the poor girl probably discreetly ordered some clit-massager off the internet, not knowing she would get this extremely vulgar catalogue with a loud sale pitch some brainless vulgar shmuck directed at her, her name shouting off every page in bold print: "dear Ms. X! we have for you a special offer blahblahblah".

I thought I might find something intersteing, to buy I mean, but I was repulsed. Not as in run away and puke repulsed, but yeah I was put off. Just the idea of all those men who deal in the stuff. It takes all the intimacy out of sex, completely. Wierd huh b/c I didn't think I was that conservative, but I guess in the core of me I am. even though some things were sexy I admit. and I wouldn't mind getting them as a present. In short I had mixed feelings. But this catalogue certainly aroused some feelings. Maybe when I get used to it a bit I will be able to order something. I'd rather even go to a shop than deal with this vulgarity though.

And some of the women on the sleeves of the DVD packages I feel profoundly sorry for. Some are glamorous like Jenna Jameson or Pamela Anderson (I didn't know she had another porn asides from the one filmed with her ex), in a vacant empty sort of way, and they are never completely naked on the cover. But the others are just spreadeagled, the producers or whoever it is don't even respect them enough to keep the hardcore fucking inside the DVD, just taking a shot from the movie for the cover. And some of them look in pain, I mean physical and emotional pain.

I know, nothing new here. But all truths are strange when they hit home.