Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Thoughts about not hearing from my ("my", that sounds possessive) BF, "P", for 3 days while he's on the road with friends [coming back tonight]:

Something which I don't miss is the chaos that P brings into my life. Not that my life isn't chaotic regardless - I use him as an excuse to make it even more chaotic than it is in fact. But there is always that sense of breathlessly running to keep up and being out of touch with myself when I'm with him, or on the way to see him, or after a night with him. Nowhere near as bad as with the previous one. I guess this is what being in love is about for a lot of people. Also my hormonal fluctatations don't help. You can't be in love and be in control of your emotions at the same time, or can you?

I wonder if he feels the same way, that his freedom is escaping him (one I used the word jeopardizes, as in, "I apologize that I jeopardized our friendship and will never do so again", when he was debating for a while if he wants to get into this or not, leaning towards the Not, and he laughed at me). He'll probably be so wiped out after being with people this entire week. He'll need some time to himself. I know I would. I guess that's why he didn''t reply my text. No, that's a lame excuse. I hope he didn't get it. Otherwise, he should have replied to it, but in the past, he always has(fallacy: just because something always happens in the past, let alone in the recent past that we have together, doesn't mean it always has to reoccur that way). Or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and he never got my text. Either way.... can't change that eh. I had an urge this morning when I was shopping to buy him flowers and leave them at his home, and maybe I would've done that, if he wasn't coming back with 3 friends. But I also have an urge to leave him be. I know he's really connected and in touch with hismelf and he doesn't do things he doesn't want to, and isn't hard & pushy on himself like me on myself, so that means that if he didn't contact me for 3 days he probabaly didn't want to. I wish there wasn't a side to me that feels like an abandoned little girl at that. That's what I tried to convey to my father, I am unhappy about getting attached to someone, I pretend that I don't miss him, I'd rather not miss him, especially if things are like that, and this has been proven right by my feelings of abandonment through not having been contacted. Whereas, when he sent me an awully long, romantic text after 2 days and called me on the 3rd day [it was a week-long trip], for the same reason, I didn't allow myself to get happy and excited over it, b/c I was so afraid of experiencing loss.

He is just struggling against me, flexing his wings....

I guess that's what it means to have a "normal" relationship, well this is the most normal I've had so far. And that's what I mean when I tell people that my HIV isn't a factor in this relationship, normally. I get to experience all the "normal" insecurities, and the bug is much more often than not pushed to the side. It's just a burden that I, and only I [and to a certain extent my poor, long-suffering parents] have to carry on top of everything else. And I am strong enough to do so. Otherwise I wouldn't be here, writing this.

My life (and my BFs, be he is ultimately not the subject of this blong) feels like such a delicate balance between things, committments, dreams, aspirations, hopes, fears, yearnings, anxieties, dreads... that are never fulfilled. Especially not, in my experience, when it comes to love. Not in the way I fantasize. It always makes me wonder how others "do it". There is a give-and-take in everything. you can't do everything at once. You can't be everything at once. Be a traveller and writer and academic & athlete & activist & thinker & reader & intellectual & bimbo & lover & friend & housekeeper & daughter & - God knows how people ever get to do that - a MOTHER for God's sake. All your potentials end up compromising each other. &... you have to have faith and good people surrounding you. And you have to accept it, be at peace with it, and do whatever it is you're doing, whether it is washing the floor or having breakfast or being eaten out (if you wanna come that it, but don't you wanna "come" from everything you do and experience in life, otherwise what's the point of doing it, what's the point of living?)

I noticed that I left the HIV out of the list of things that I am...

*** Always remember: out of pain and struggle comes growth. Therefore, no use of avoiding them, of pretending they don't exist. Just like there's no good in avoiding a good orgasm (whether a bodily or spiritual or intellectual one) that comes your way by worrying about the pain that may, no that will, come later. Accept that it will, just like you accept that it will get dark at some point later in the day. And then the sun will rise again***

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