Friday, August 04, 2006


Woke up from deep sound sleep next to P, after spending 2 nights alone.

Was going mental last night and he calmed me down. 2 issues got me going. One was the fact that there is a small lump in my leg that needs to be biopsied (I am having it removed if that is done anyway); the other was that P never says that he loves me.

But it was all in my mind, and having woken up I realized how I cornered myself into this loophole.

With the lump in my leg, I don't really think the doctors are worried, and the biopsy is more routine than anything else. But thing is, I a) already have my hands full with worrying about both HIV and consequences of HIV treatment and b) (what I just realized this morning), although I know of course that AIDS kills, I have never seen anyone die from it, whereas I have seen heaps of people die from cancer ever since I was tiny. In fact, the majority of people that I know have died from cancer. Not only that, in cancer you can watch them in the process of dying (unlike other deaths). I guess that has really been imprinted on me. Also, to cheer me up, the doctors as well as my social worker often comment that you don't have to die from HIV, that they have seen patients with HIV die from other things. Well, that's just great. I don't want to die anyway, but I know that I will have to and I want it to be sudden. At least that's the way I feel now. I certainly don't want to be tormented by cancer. Out of all the things in life that is by far one that terrifies me the most.

Anyway, I realize why I made such a fuss.

The other issue, well, I needed Ps support and reassurance to countredict that fear for my life (or rather, fear of a particular kind of death; as I write this the box of Camels peers from behind the lapttop screen, and I think that's the first thing I ran to when I felt that he failed me, I smoked a couple in a row, which is the most cancerous thing I can do and also bad for my skin and the youthful appearance I am so proud of. Even though the poor guy really did his best to try to cheer me up, I just wasn't listening. It was like when I broke my arm. He tries to be rational and cheerful and joke about it, but then I just clam up, retreating only with depressive replied like "if this lump was on my breast, would you be saying that too?", fucking drama queen that I am).

It was kind of comic really. In retrospect that is. He put on the CD I burned for him while he went to shower after his tennis, and I lay on the sofa and cried b/c all the songs were just mocking me, it seemed:

Starting with Sinatra's "I've got you under my skin", which I sometimes fear describes me & Ps relationship, and it has also been converted, a long time ago when the epidemic broke out, into a rap song about HIV by Neneh Cherry, which I used to really like (amazing how these type of things seem like signs in retrospect):

I've got you under my skin
I've got you deep in the heart of me
So deep in my heart, that youre really a part of me
I've got you under my skin
I've tried so not to give in
I've said to myself this affair never will go so well
But why should I try to resist, when baby will I know than well
That I've got you under my skin
I'd sacrifice anything come what might
For the sake of having you near
In spite of a warning voice that comes in the night
And repeats, repeats in my ear
Dont you know you fool, you never can win
Use your mentality, wake up to reality
But each time I do, just the thought of you
Makes me stop before I begin
Cause I've got you under my skin

Continuing with How deep is your love by the Bee Gees (mushy, very mushy, but I have extremely eclectic musical tastes):

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show
How deep is your love
I really need to learn
Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest darkest hour
You're my saviour when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it's me you need to show
How deep is your love...

Well now that I read the lyrics I just googled it is really mushy and gooey beyong belief, but of course it was the chorus that I was thinking of - it's me you need to show How deep is your love. I am almost laughing as I write this. Who knows how many perfectly great relationships are broken over the wrong song at the wrong time? Then the next song was Chicago's "If you leave me now" - I am sure you get the picture by now. At this point I was tired of crying on the sofa so I went out to smoke another fag in secret while P was finishing his shower. Luckily, Randy Newman's Small people came next and saved me from completely sinking in a pit of self pity and tear-eyed kitschy emotion [these are great songs though and in the right amount I absolutely love them].

Well, tracing back my steps how I got to that stage where I was so desperate - even though I was aware that it was childish and immature - to see some proof of love, right now you bastard!, I see that it started in all the last while when I felt so wonderful with P but we were hardly alone b/c surrounded by others most of the time, and then I got the romantic texts which made me feel so vulnerable, and then last night, I had my friend R over for dinner, and P just kind of invited himself (I assumed I would spend some quality time with R; it turns out though that he has been warned by another friend that R likes me too much, but I don't know if he is self-aware enough to make the connection; also it turns out that he has also been talking to tothers about me, so I feel a bit less of a goofy fool confessing to all this), and I was sure that he was going to stay but he left in the end shortly after R [but it is so like P; I have been writing here how absultely wrecked I was recently especially in the night, since I get up early nowadays as it is, and it's so like him to think rationally and give me the space and place to recooperate and rejuvinate in peace, and it is so like me to make dramas when I am tired and then not realize what the heck the fuss was about the next day - although what I am doing now is by far better, understanding how my mechanisms work]. When I mentioned to R that P left shortly after him he was surprised, and then I asked R if he thinks P loves me and he said he didn't know, and to make things worse I told P that I had asked R that in order to squeeze a declaration out of him, which didn't help a bit b/c as usual he focused on what (at the time) seemed totally irrelevant, "poor R, how the hell is he supposed to know that?!"
Incidentaly, it's true that R has some emotion for me, but he also has a girlfriend, plus I think my HIV is probabaly keeping him at bay. I sound like a highschool girl writing this, but I am being honest, there is that childish needy controlling side of me, and if I don't expose it here... well, I was aware that "thoughts are just events that float through our minds" etc., but I almost couldn't restrain myself. In the past, the old self-destructive me would have picked a real fight over this with P, of course without the self-awareness that I present now after a good night's sleep and some great satisfying sex to take off the edge... but the new me knows better. Is still childish, still has these urges, and maybe isn't the most dignified in the world especially when it is night and I am tired. I even called up my parents, told them about the biopsy which I was set not to to. But it was my dad who calmed me down b/c he knows his shit when it comes to these matters and he said it's only routine. On HIV I can't ask him much and I wouldn't but this is something different. And I complained about P and said I don't think he loves me, which is complete bull. I also complained that he never innitiates anything, I mean trips together etc. But my dad just said "that's what men are like", which kind of makes me laugh now - OK now that I am in a great mood again - b/c that's so absoultly true, just plain and simple honest truth

Thank you God for giving me such amazing parents

I have been doing a lot on internet forums in the last couple days and I think there is some kind of breakthrough there, but I will have to start a whole new topic on that so later... I'm going to call up my dad and tell him I love him.

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