Tuesday, August 15, 2006

on restraint(s)

I haven't been managing any, restraint that is. I have been binging continuously since I got to my parents' house, save for a [very nice and surprisingly calming in this frentic month of August] solo trip to the beach. When A., my best guy friend here, who is overwhelmed with work this week and probabaly leaving next week, called for a sponteneous meeting, I retreated, which is always a bad sign for me. It always mean I will spend time on my addictions rather than take the time for myself.

I watched a very good Japanese film, "Dolls". I am reading "The Drama of the Gifted Child", trying to understand myself, to find out how I turned out this way. And when I figure it all out, I know I will want a child for myself.

I know leaving here will be hard. I am going deeper into myself (hence the crisis). The binging is just a way to enforce a reality on myself which isn't about pleasing others and giving them what I think they want of me, which is what I have always given - appearances [whether physical, intellectual, work ethical, etc]. That's why my biggest crisises occured when I had felt that my realy character was exposed, and that's why the HIV was potentially such a huge crisis - b/c it tells people something about you, something you don't want to know.

I read the eulogy that David Grossman wrote for his son. So much restraint, so much pain, so much emotion supressed - not of loss, but of anger. They must've been so angry. They must have sat the whole family together, and decided not to let that anger seep into that text, which they knew would be publicized greatly, and possibly the parents decided not to let it seep into their lives, and affect their children.

I wonder how good that is. But that is his way. That is certainly my parents way and how I was raised, and to a certain extent my own way.

I have PMS now, which makes restraint in evry realm even harder.

Question (nagging voice?): why do I need this vacation? All I do is sit at home getting fat & unfit, neglecting my work, etc?

Answer: Even your boss told you not to touch the work. So don't [OK towards the end I might do some reading and summarizing; it's time to drop the image of the work as something mythical, mystical, an endless, amorphous project ready to swallow me and always insatiable, and break it into doable, timed tasks - I think this is what my bigger boss referred to when he called my report "overwhelming"]
You need this, to get closer to yourself, unconditionally, to base yourself away from P, whose lack of communication forms a knot of fear in your stomach. You need this time to think and become truer to yourself, because you have one life to live.

And now I will restrain myself from writing further and post this, because I noticed that I tend to lose very long posts, when I try to keep them.

But just one more question: why is it so difficult to discuss the meaningful things with the people you love? I have not been able to with my brother and sister in law when they visited me, not at all? I try with P but feel horribly guilty, and I clam up (metaphorically, that is I keep the important things in my belly) near my parents. I know my time with these people is limited. I always feel guilty for showing my real self, even to friends or my boss... why?

No comments: