I am almost leaving for Italy to meet my family, and feeling completely grumpy, disoriented, drunk with fatigue, bloated... all those nice emotions that go with my 2 week long PMS. I didn't sleep enough, and am just unable to drag myself to work. Instead, I am going for a jog in the park, and I don't care if it rains, I am just brimming with negative energy, over everything really, even my lack of suitable baguage, my too-tight clothes, the weather in Venice which is supposed to be showery while here it will clear up as soon as I leave, all the appointments and commitments lined up when I return, the 2 Dutch classes I am about to miss, various people demanding their share... everything just accumulates, for no reason at all, because the nice people were understanding, and I have put borders for people, and my behavioral therapist has emailed me some relaxation excercises, and everything is going according to plan, and I can take the whole day to rest if I need to, and if it clears up later on, both the skies and in the fog of fatigue that enevlops me like webs of sticky cotton candy, I might even go cycling out of town with P. for a bit, and feel my chest expand with the freedom.
So I will be offline for about a week, and transported into a whole other dimension. Not only with all of my (nuclear) family, but also in a country I have never been to, where I must travel alone. I hope I can stand it. I hope I don't need to prove anything to anyone, I hope I don't feel waves of antagonism, resentment and jealously towards my sister in law, and expahration towards my parents, and despair towards my brother's inherent selfishness. I hope I can just chill and relax. I brought everybody presents, and I hope that in return they won't wear me out and drag me all over the place and not give me some peace and quiet which I desperately need. Wish me luck, and Happy New Year to all my Jewish readers out there (haha).
Incedentaly, I have found a note I traveled with when I came here about 2 weeks after being diagnosed, against doctor's orders and without any health insurance whatsoever, with a CD4 level closer to zero than to 200, in the dead of winter, to try to get Z. at least to talk to me. I will copy it here, as a reminder to myself that everything is changable, even though it embarassed me to read this teenage rumble, but I know that the way things happended between me and Z., the brutal abruptness of the severence (3 days before I was scheduled to go back and move in with him), and of course the shock of being rendered (as I saw it at the time) eternally unfuckable, untouchable, really threw me back. Patience missy, patience...
"Life is too short
and too precious to waste
on prejudice and sterotype
What happende to me could
happen to your sister or niece -
you don't know that
One month is short
But long enough to have real love
This love is real and nothing
taht you say or do will take it back
You can call it brain chemistery
or being 14 years old -
nothing will change the fact that
we loved each other
Love is Power
Without it we are nothing
ever since I met you I have done everything to keep you happy, interested, peaceful, satisfied. I had thought that you have been through a lot of awful things in life and because of that you emerged a strong person, someone who can understand me, someone I can rely on.
I know that all humans have different sides. I did not expect you to be a superhero but I thought that we could still have a beautiful life together if you got the right information and if we still loved one another. Since I have left I have spent thousands of dollars on plane tickets and calling you. You say that you will email me, but you write only 2 lines one time.
I understand that you want to kick me out of your life and forget about me.
It is too bad that I can't even get a little bit of respect from someone that wanted to be with me all the time 1.5 weeks ago. Someone that said he wanted to have kids with me, which is still possible.
The fact that you cleaned yourself after we had sex doesn't bother me. The fact that you threw away my underwear doesn't bother me although I hope you did not throw away the sweater and underwear and CD I gave you.
The fact that you don't get your ass down to the callshop and call or email me bothers me very much.
If you say that you love me, care about me, or even want to be friends, don't put me in this position.
I love you very much and I do not judge you. Do not judge me. Do not judge others.
You don't know what your XXXX friends or family would do in my position or in your position. There is what people say and what peopledo. I have crossed many lines to be with you before this. We are both buitenlanders (foreigners). we are adults. We have a choice. We have medicine, justice and God on our side. It doesn't matter if it's one month or one year. My sincerity is what matters. Are you ready to give up happiness for pain and shame?"