Since coming back, I have been superstressed again, not so much because of the unbearable pressures of my daily existence, but because of a fear of the future and a need to control so many aspects of my life, including others' reactions to me. Even the existence of this blog has burdened me, and has become another menacing chore that I don't seem to get around to, as well as other nice aspects of my life such as the gym, friends and new acquintances that want to go out, reading, writing, cleaning my place, doing my hair, showering... you get the picture. I am overwhelmed. I know I need to prioritize, but I can't. I feel guilty for wasting P.'s time when he should be working, even though the way I do it is fun for both of us. I feel a constant need to control everything, but I am unable.
Before another binge siezes hold of me, and before I flip out again, I run into a quote in one of the web forums that I frequent. It is from a book but I don't know which one because no credit was given, so no copyright was violated on my part:
"Become an Allow-a-HolicThe reason why we suffer is that we are trying to have a different experience than the one that is happening to us right now. We are not allowing for the current feeling, thought, or experience to be happening in our body and resist it immensely. By not giving it "space" or permission to be here now, we are denying that the Divine exists within everything. By internally fighting with our current experience, and trying, wishing, hoping or praying that it will change, we are not honoring the Universe as our most powerful teacher. The ironic thing is that the very moment you start allowing yourself to FEEL the apparently negative feeling and or experience exactly as it is showing up in your body right now, you stop resisting it and thus the suffering ends instantly.Becoming an Allow-a-Holic is letting the Universe be exactly as it is.The truth is that there is very little you can do to change the entire Universe, and you might not necessarily even want to change it. If you take a step back and look at the entire massive cosmic picture of it all, it'samazingly synchronistically perfect just the way it is. Your ego may not agree with the way things show up in your personal situation here on planet Earth because the ego thinks its role is to fight, argue, and try to manipulate Reality so that it can get what it thinks it needs to be happier. True happiness is a state of inner balance that allows for everything to be exactly as it is. While your ego may not like this way of defining happiness, experiment with the state of allowing and notice how your body reacts.No matter what your situation is, how stuck you think you are, or how profound your pain is, you have the power to shift it completely right now.The power is in learning to allow for it. Give each negative FEELING you have full permission to be here now. Allow it to be 100%, not 99.99% because that small .01% means that you are not really letting go, and experiencing the magic of doing so. The moment you let go and really hit 100% allowing, your suffering will disappear. When the suffering leaves, you will learn something very valuable about yourself. That you are the master of your life and have the power to release anything you need to fromyour life."
I wish I could implement this in my life, I wish I didn't care so much what others' opinions of me are, I wish I didn't care, period.
I know there will come a stage when I will have to let everything go, even this blog, if I want to keep surviving, because I will need to re-prioritize. It's not getting much of a readership, and I have not been promoting it (even though I know how, all I need to do is get into a bunch of internet forums and submit links, but I, as they say in Scottish "cannae be bothered"). I feel a stage coming on where writing fiction will become more important to me than writing about my life. I already feel how, when it comes to people, and even though this might not be the most diplomatically sound thing to do, I focus on the few that mean most to me and neglect the others. Because I have to. Because there are only 24 hours a day and I only get to use about 12 of them, and if you consider that I am supposed to be working during 8 (but where do you think I am when writing this, huh?), and that I have to buy food, prepare and eat it, have sex, keep in touch if only via email with my family/friends, and excercise my body at least 1/2 hour a day at the veru minimum, not to look good (I need 90 minutes on average for that) but to get the jitters out, how much time does that leave exactly? And there're other things I want to do, like plan and execute travle, whether short or even long distance, and maybe paint, and dance, and cycle out to the country... etcetera, etcetera. I am just unable to handle all of that with the time that I have, and can't survive on less than 7-8 hours of sleep, and am tired of eating and thinking in front of a screen.
Phew... now that I let it out, the bottom line is, I have to set some kind of living scheme for myself, with room for all the things I want to do, and need to be doing. How do people manage this and have kids and have a house/car and spend hours a day in traffic, like my parents, is beyond me. But life doesn't get simpler, just more complicated, and I must learn to live in it, to live it.