I admit that I am waiting for P. to return. He is on my mind. Definately. Last night had hard time sleeping again and woke up sixish for the biopsy, which went fine but now bloody hurts. I didn't go to work because I was just too fatigued, and the neighbours upstairs, whom I think are new to the building, were banging about so I went to P's for a rest but it was not so quite there either, finally I napped, and then caved in and went to the hairdresser's to get my hair done for him tomorrow. I am not able to sport now and was in fact told that I should not shower for a month but of course I will tomorrow!! Imagine that... just cover the place up with a plastic bag or a condom.
So what did I do all day except laze around, read Zadie Smith, various forums that do nothing for me anymore, I did not even wake up late but the whole day just whizzed past.
I had a good conversation with my boss yesterday, I opened the cards and let him know I was concerned about what his woman was doing, except I didn't phrase it like that, just said that I am naiive to the job and I am not sure what it means, and he convinced me that it would be useful for me. So, I let it be. not only do I not have a choice, but I do trust him and I know he wants the best for me. Then I was so wiped out, I did a few things but very slowly and inefficiently, dragged myself to the gym where I was no hit either, then back home for dinner and all the time I think about the one cigarette left untouched since I met that inspiring woman on the rooftop. Work is a major source of stress for me, because I am so disorganized and have been away from it for so long, that I try to avoid thinking about it, but of course that boomerangs right back to me. I am hoping to be able to work alongside P. who will also be stressed, and that we can make each other stronger. I haven't had such an experience in the past but I am surprising myself by actually hoping for something. The word hope is quite new in my lexicon, actually. There is so much that I want to do: volunteer, travel, write, have a love life, not to mention a family... and yet I struggle with the most basic everyday chores. It blows my mind. But I need to accept, stop fighting, start floating.
Get to know my counts tomorrow, and am going with low expectations. oh who am I kidding - I really hope they have risen.
What I need, is less stress and more time, because time rushes past me, and I do a fraction of what i want to do. i stood up R. tonight, preferring to be alone, and now I think why? why am I such a reclude? but I know that I care, and want to be cared for and reach out for society, but somehow I also need all this alone time, seemingly doing nothing but really coming to grips with it all, and everything slowly, slowly, adds up.