Thursday, September 14, 2006

what I worry about

Sitting at work, about to leave to a friend's place who is leaving and maybe take some of her things, before I am due to attend another promotion of someone I don't know but who might be able to help with my own work, while reading and article and having lunch at my desk, I am suddenly overcome with wave of anxiety and concern about my future. Not merely about what I look like, the way I fretted in the last days, or about remaining single and childless, but about the possibility that when I am done here (something which me & P. discussed last night) there will be nowhere for me to go. I mean, when I came here and did the paperwork I was not yet HIV+, and now I am. What new employer, even in the liberal Netherlands, let alone anywhere else, would employ me in 3.5 years time? And without employment, how will I finance myself? How will I get insurance? My "rights" at home expire in about 2 years, and I won't have health insurance there. But I don't think any employer at home would take me, unless I was a freelance, once I filled in my status (it is the fact that I wanted to switch phramacies from the one near the hospital to the one on my street, and saw the form and realized I would have to fill in my status, which I normally wouldn't mind but which somehow seemed strange, and I gave up on the whole idea, which made me realize this).

I could find myself really destitute in a few years. I just got a group mail from a teacher I met in Asia, who was working for many years in one of the Asian Giants and has now relocated to a Middle Eastern country, and this woman is around retirement age in the West I think and still going strong and doing her own thing, whereas my options have narrowed considerably. This is something I have to consider when I tell them in feb. 2007 if I want to stay on or not; how much would staying on harm me in the long run? N. just knocked on my door in her friendly happy warm smile and upright toned tanned body, she is about to finish this year and a brilliant future surely awaits her, as well as a boyfriend back home in Italy... and me, what do I have waiting for me? When I am done here, almost everyone I know will be gone, and where will I go then? Not only I might be single and childless, but I might face the very real possibility of not being employable, anywhere, regardless of any expertise I might have by then. And I just pray so much for my parents, because both of us have abandoned them (hence my dream from last night which I handwrote at home, I will quote that here later, but not now, because the darkness is almost too thick and my heart is palpitating).