Tuesday, November 21, 2006

There has to be another way

I am tense, so tense, and I hardly slept. But why is that, and how much of it is caused by me (all maybe?) and preventable?

I met P. last night, it was great, that's not the problem. I somehow don't want to write about that here, too intimate. I will just say it was wonderful, but somehow I closed it off in the "wonderful" compartment, and that does nothing at all to eliminate my fears. If anything, might make them worse. And I latch on to something (in this case, a miscommunication/misunderstanding with R. at work) and amplify them, but in fact, what kept me awake at night asides from P.'s snoring was terrible fears of the future. I didn't smoke. But we ate a lot of pizza. I vowed to change by my eating to more healthy/balanced, and lose weight. I vowed to work at my job. To do more sports, to relax more. But that's an oxymoron, as soon as relaxing becomes a task, it's something I won't do. All I feel like doing today is hiding away at home. Even work is a refuge from the negative emotions that I feel.

I'll try to describe them here: with R. and to a much lesser extent my girlfriend C., life is a series of give-and-take in interactions. I need them in my life, but that demands so much maintenance. It's like neither can accept that I can be self-absorbed. It's not that if they came to me with a problem I would reject them, it's just that I don't have the need, or rather try to avoid, the daily reporting back about tiny things which I guess they need to make life bearable. I guess I sometimes feel the way people do in a romantic relationship, suffocated, like they want more from me than I am able to give. And with R. being in the same workplace, I just find it.... draining. He has recently separated from his GF and though he has a new one to satisfy his sexual/emotional needs, I think that he is not yet certain about their future and he doesn't bring into that relationship his full neurotic self. Which I get a handful of.

Having written this, I feel such a release. I am going to go to work now. I might as well stay home - I work better here anyway. The question is will I have the willpower to work effectively from home and will physically going to work make a difference? I think I will stay here, and call R. to come over for lunch, because all going to work does is cost me money (that I spend on food and the like).

Yep, that's what I'll do.

It's beautiful outside and I wish I could go for a jog but work will happen first. Who knows, maybe I'll cycle with P. later, try out the new bicycle.

He brings so much warmth into my life, I am terrified of losing it. And the best, unimaginably mind blowing ---------------------------------------------------- (self-censorship)

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