The clock is ticking towards 11.00, I am home, in my bathrobe, unshowered, after a too-big breakfast (bowl of oatmeal followed by muesli and milk, double dose of confort food). Trying not to stress, to stiffle the panic that comes with every new day.
I have take to writing on forums as I mentioned here. Yesterday one of the participants asked what we like to do, in our spare time, to take the mind off, to unwind. I gave a long list of things that I like, things that I do. But I don't do them enough, hardly ever, I do other things. And that's fine too I guess. The forums. Making love this morning, both of us late for work. Raquetbal in the park. The weather improving. Still too fat. Weighed in at the docs a couple weeks ago, I hadn't gained as much weight as i previously thought, but enough to change me, the standards for women are higher.
And yet there is another side, developing simultaneously, realizing that it really, really dones't matter, what we look like, this stupid race. Still scared shitless of lipo and deformation, but able to envion other satisfactions in life than presenting one's self in a nice package to be viewed. Another dimension.
I didn't write for so long, and there were more presentations - speaking of presenting one's self. On one occasion, I was sleep deprived for a few prior days and ended up taking a tranquilizer in the A.M. Since I was scheduled to speak first, I still didn't fully wake up. Didn't exactly stutter, but long words were inarticulate, my voice sounding heavy and my tongue feeling rough and oversized in my mouth. I got through it though. Good feedback too. Not perfect, but it didn't matter.
I went to Venice with P. Romantic holiday, anticipation. First trip together abroad. Rented apartment near the Realto Bridge, checking the weather forecast frantically, low average rainfall in Venice in May, but it all seemed to fall during those five days. Stress. When we got there, a long day of downpours. Wet shoes, chilly draft winds. It didn't matter, we snuck into the Doges Palace, drank scorching hot choclate under dripping canapes, watched the decaying city cringe under the torrents, more heartbreaking and beautiful than last time. And then the sun emerged, 3 days of beautiful weather till we left. Not too hot. Just perfect. A perfect backdrop, in which all the crevices and wounds of the city are revealed, obvious, unapologetic, heartbreakingly beautiful in their imperfection.