Sunday, December 07, 2008
Out of anger and resentment comes redemption. Out of jealously and bitterness comes acceptance. Out of chaos comes peace. But only if you believe. And that nonaction is a struggle that has to be repeated daily like a mantra and a chore. I have always been lax at daily maintenance whether my own, embarrassing to say but even hygiene, or that of my surroundings. It's safe to say there is at most a 50-50% chance of me doing something when I say that I will do it. I do however try to keep my promises and appointments which is why I find it so hard to commit, even return calls and uphold contacts, and why I am fundamentally lonely. Like my personal life my habitats have always reeked of false starts and uncompleted tasks. I no longer expect myself to have the stamina or endurance and have resigned to a lifetime of cyclical transitions between energy and sedation, kindness and pettiness, warmth and irritation. I wish I was different, I wish I wasn't burdened with myself. I can say that I don't like myself. I never have, and probably never will. But I don't like other either. To be able to like others they must open up to you and let you see how they really are and very few people have let me do that. I mean, that sounds as though I'd want to dig deep into their soul, that isn't the case, I just want them to be there long enough, so I can get accustomed to their presence. But invariably, when someone is as close as my husband, they get hurt, and they see my awkward, unstable ways, my fits of uncensored anger at things beyond my control and outside my realm of existence, and my illogical, often paranoid thinking. Can someone be as close to me as he is and bear it? Will he one day wake up and realized that using a condom indefinitely was the least of his compromises in this relationship? Would I be with me, live with me, the way I am? I doubt it. If only for the fact that I would seek someone less self-doubting, and far less scarred than myself. Thank God he is so uncomplicated, and though he may occasionally get hurt, he doesn't bear a grudge or analyze me the way I do myself and the way I judge my surroundings, so harshly, as though the worst case scenario was the most probable one.