Saturday, August 26, 2006


didn't sleep till 6. I was confused, sad and hurt. This morning I woke up angry and wanting to be left alone. Luckily my parents left the house; wouldn't want to take it out on them. This is despite having a nice afternoon on the beach yesterday and a friend stay over. I showed your email to my friend and she said that you would make her crazy with all your back and forth. For every warm expression you have a "but". I know that part of the reason I keep my blog is to understand myself. I don't think I should keep everything to myself but I don't think that everything should be said to the other person. People vary on this one. Some think I should "play it smart", others think I should let go and let you see my true emotions, in real time, others think I should find out what my real emotions (anxiety, fear, sadness, in short, what you call the little girl) are and not be ashamed of them. But I don't think honesty is the best policy. For example, this morning I felt like screaming at my parents' to F off. Of course I know better than to do that. I might seem a bit grumpy or hide in my room till I leave to avoid a potentially explosive situation, but I do it b/c I love them and want to protect them. They don't deserve to be told that, at all. I know that what we have is good enough. If I were you I would be asking why it is you are trying to evaluate it all the time and why you never let go. I become terrified when I let go, too. The most freaked out I had been was when you sent me that unexpected romantic message from Germany. If I were you I would be asking why I ruin my relationships (like the one in Ireland) and what is it that really scares me. But I am not you, I am me, and I need to distance myself so that I don't get hurt anymore. I am absoultely furious for the days that went by that I spent crying and sleepless, but I know that as annoying and hurtful as you are, the fact is that it is I who was not able to control my emotions, and it isn't you that "did" this to me. You just expressed your constant nagging doubts, and that sent me over the edge. I have to take the responsibility back to myself. I have to learn to contain this anger, not only at you but at the world. Not because anger is illegitimate but because it hides something deeper and takes me further from myself, especially when it leads to guilt and remorse. I have to understand that you are a different (as in "seperate") person that me and that the writing was on the wall in many respects. Right now I am just angry b/c I feel like I can never get love no matter what, and when I can't get love, when someone doesn't care enough to understand what they are doing or stop doing it, or abandons, I seek the (metaphorical) love of others b/c I need love in my life. I think that you sense my neediness right, I want the full monty, it is no wonder that you call me little girl (although that infuriates me) and you call yourself the prince. I have never thought of us like that and the condescension in it made me so angry, and then I realized I must be angry b/c there is a truth to it. In love, I must become small and needy and helpless, and I can't stand that. This happens when real love is granted, that's why I was so terrified when I felt real love from you (when you were in Germany), and why I couldn't stand E at all, b/c he really loved me and I found that revolting.
I know that my anger is legitimate b/c I "deserve" (ridiculous notion) more b/c I suffered an awful lot in life and have this disease (yet another fallacy, I know better but that's how I feel: why can I never get what I want?!). I know that you want to see that I love you in any case and I can accept this bullshit, but I can't.

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