Sunday, August 27, 2006

sick & tired

yesterday I was mellow, so mellow in fact that I only caught up on sleep, skyped with P. and chilled. I needed a rest, and went to bed early, having gone to sleep at 06.00 the night before because I was so fed up and scared and worried. But today... a new day. My mellowness evaporated. P. stood me up on skype, I texted him but he didn't get back to me - this is when the initiative for today's conversation came from him, and when we specifically said that if one of use isn't near the computer we would text each other. In fact, I stayed home (although I had nothing special to do) especially to talk to him, because as mellow and happy as I felt, I still wasn't reassured, and we didn't discuss any of the more painful issues.
Sometimes I think this whole technology thing is just a pile of s*it. You make virtual dates with people, and when they aren't there you become disillusioned and disappointed. You create expectations in others, which you can't fullfil. You have a fake, bogus social life (sometimes love life), and that fills you with emotion, but without seeing and feeling the other person, it is all a load of bollocks. of course, my everyday relations aren't virtual or in writing. But I find that the more time I spend on the net in various forums, the less time of day I have for real people in my life. Even phone conversations become a hassle. if I look back to my "vacation" at home, it is disappointing, and as annoying and frustrating as P. is, a lot of it is me. It is I who didn't leave the house and closed myself indoors, not even going to excercise or shop. It is I who didn't contact most of my real friends, who didn't make the effort to reach out to people. Consequentially, I get very depressed when he fucks up (which he does. no doubt about it).
So I have to prioritize. 5 days to go, and I need to be out and about. Doing things, seeing people, even if I am not as cool or happy or great-looking as I'd like. Even sitting in my room alone reading is better than this. I have to put P. on hold because I really don't know what to do with him. He has made me so so happy in the last months, but there were also so many falls, so many times I was afraid and lonely within this relationship (sometimes unnecessarily imagining things). I can't let it get to me as much anymore. I just can't afford it. If the price is not being happty, then so be it.

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