Sunday, August 27, 2006

mellow again

4 days to go before I leave and I really want to use my time well, not spend it all on the net. I knew it would be like this. It's inevitable. The last days someplace are always full fo appreciation. Shortly after I posted here yesterday (undoing the mellowness I felt that morning, and the calm, which I didn't blog but only documented in handwriting), P. called(!) my mobile from his mobile and emailed as well apologizing, he had been out till 08.00 with friends, talking, and didn't hear the alarm he set to get up on time and talk to me. He was so careful. I don't want him to be that careful. There is a difference between disappearing for 4 days and not showing up for any justified reason. I was just leaving for the beach with my mum, which was great. I had also recieved a wonderful email from B. in Thailand. I had finally fessed up to having a BF (he knew I was seeing men though). It was such a beautiful email, he is stronger than I have ever seen him, and it made me realize all over again why I loved him then and will continue to love him for the rest of my life. At the beach, we were walking, swimming, and I read "the dice man" again (so far it is undoing "the drama of the giften child", but the key is to combine the tow viewpoints - the analytic, painful, predetermined view of the past with acceptance and even encouragement of the randomality of events; then again I am only half way through "the dice man", which has a very dark undercurrent). Then I came home (home!) and had a good phone conversation with my girl friend M. in Jerusalem (I'm amazed how much she's grown) and a long skype call with P. in which for the first time we ouched on many issues, lightly but we touched: the future, us. It was a very good conversation.
Here is the email I wrote B. this morning. We have been "together" for 3 years or so when I was in Asia, although the nett time was much lower of course. He has maintained me, sustained me, and I wouldn't have lasted Asia so long on such a crappy health condition (unknown to me) if it wasn't for him. One day I will write a romance novel about us, one day.

I was thinking abut you first thing this morning. How wonderful you are and how much I have to learn from you. What you wrote about the Buddhist way is amazing, and I would like to learn to live like that. The way you live your life is so strong. I know you are not superman and I know you have difficult periods also. I was remebering and thinking exactly the reasons I fell in love with you, and these were the reasons, because you are so strong. Your strenght shines through. It's something that you will always have because it is YOU and your characters. And that,unlike a beautiful body, or money, or even friends, will always stay with you. I needed to feel that, I needed to learn that I have this power too and that was the main attraction (of course I was physically very attracted to you as you know but that doesn't build love). You know that I will always love you. Always. You are a part of me now.
Keep going strong, I hope the future will allow us to see each other again. This is not a goodbye letter. I will still keep in touch as always. But I wanted to tell you what I was thinking.

There is so much more to write, but it would expose me too much (I am thinking of involving B. in some way in my work). I leave off for now, just wondering how is it that people always come through in the most amazing way and life mellows out when I stop having my freaking period. I know it's all about perspective but when my chemistry is out of balance my anxiety and fears get the worst of me, and I am unable to get that from people, or give anything substantial back, for the noise of anxiety and stress and buildup of distraction (my concentration is wayyy better now too, and I am far less annoyed).

No comments: