Letter to B

For some reason I am unable to connect to my feelings by writing directly on this webpage. I scribble a lot, and today something came out when I was emailing B., whose life after a long hard darkness is improving. Or should I write, "who is improing his life"? So I decided to post it:

I am very happy to know that (what you wrote). But be careful and don't expect that everything will be perfect from now on. Just enjoy the good period and know that in life, no growth is linear. I am not saying that to depress you just to protect you, I hope you understand. Your "day" is not the day to get rich or famous, just the day to regain (or maybe gain for the first time ever) you honor, sense of self and esteem. I am not saying that people didn't honor you before, but you didn't honor yourself, I think, and that's why you fell so deep (into the BKK life). Now you are building yourself slowly again, like a child being reborn.
One of my biggest problems is that I never reach the peaceful state. I always go round in circules, I found things I wrote to myself 9 years ago (when I think I was infected with HIV, I was in an awful relationship where I gave myself away to a very bad guy, and I got pregnant and had to have an abortion). I found what I wrote and it looked like I wrote these things yesterday, even though now I am in a good relationship. Also what I wrote about my life: then I felt that I have no control over my life, am not doing the things I want, and am basically helpeless; now I often feel the same. It made me think a lot. How can it be that I am always in the same traps, even though my life couldn't be more different.

I hope you still remember that if I can't have a baby in 2 years I want to have one from you. I would have liked one from you anyway, but of course, if I marry someone I can't expect him to understand that. I know not a lot of people can understand a friendship like ours. You need to be open minded for that. I am not sure I would have understood it if someone else was telling me about it. I still believe in pain and people using each other, that's why.

The hardest things to accept is that in life we are all alone.We live and die alone, except for God. I don't mean that we don't need people around us, of course we do, we need it like air to breathe! But even the most loving family, or lover or children, cannot change the fundamental loneliness that we have as seperate human beings. I hope you understand what I say. I don't mean to get you depressed but this is what I have been feeling.

I would like to use the last 3 days that I have at home well. Yesterday was a wonderful day. I saw a great movie, and I went swimming in a very beautiful beach. It was almost a perfect day. This morning I am very tired. I am not sure but I think my mum woke me up before she left the house, although I wanted to sleep late because I was unable to fall asleep until 04.00 (the drugs that I take make me insomniac and a little crazy, but no one seems to understand that, perhaps luckily). I am not sure if this was a dream or reality but it felt like I was screaming at her and stuffing the blanket in my mouth to make myself quiet, and I felt the sheer anger of my childhood, of never being understood.

But my mum just called now and it was a dream, it was just a dream that I had. But it felt so real, unbeleivable. Sometimes one of the drugs that I take (Stokrin) does that, gives very strange dreams. It's even listed in the brochure as a common side effect. That's because it works on the nervous system. Somtimes I am so scared. I am only taking these drugs 8 months and no one knows what they do really. I am so scared that I would become crazy, or get cancer or a heartattack from them, or that they will change my face and body into something hideous (I switched drugs to a new kind because the old kind had a chance of doing that, but with the new kind, I am not allowed to get pregnant anymore because they can cause birth defects in the baby).

How awful, I feel awful, like my life has been ruined, because of the HIV (even though I have a BF, but I expect him to break up with me any moment, not so much because of something he does but because I always felt this way, I never felt I had a right to be loved). Even before the HIV I felt many times my life was at a dead end. Now I don't feel any different, actually. I feel like it is out of my hands. Why shouldn't it be? It's only in the hand of God.

I am sending you my hugs and I hope I didn't depress you by speaking so openly about my feelings. I don't dare show them to my BF - I think he would run away. Or my friends. And my parents, it would just break their hearts if I spoke like that to them. But you and I, I think we understand and can support each other. I hope.