Thursday, August 31, 2006


I haven't been able to post as of late. I don't know if it was because I was disappointed with not getting any comments, because real life finally caught up with me here, or because of the sadness the envelops me. I have to get up before 04.00 tonight to cacth my flight back to NL and I am waiting till midnight to take my meds, and unable to sleep. Frantic with worry. Sad with leaving again. The last 4 days I finally got to be out and about, met friends, saw two great movies, went to the beach a couple of times, saw my homeopath, and even didn't inhale smoke for 2 days (& now am dying to). I was also reading more. I managed to do a lot of reading and introspection on this holiday. Nothing at all for my work. Why is this post so boring? I am so full, my heart is overflowing with emotion, but all I can describe are the dry facts, and maybe holding on to them, hoping they would sustain me.
On the P. front (I realize it shouldn't be a "front" but that's what it often feels like), things were going well, lots of communicating, long conversations, some nice emails, but I still feel such a compeling sense of loss, as though I've already lost him. We will reunite the coming Thursday, in exactly a week. I can't wait. And yet I feel scared and unready, for him, for my life in NL. I feel as though the pretty decent existence that I have is a raft wobbling on shaky shark infested waters, and I am liable to slip off at any moment. I hide those feelings, in my interactions, under a facade of aloofness or cool or (less recently) charm. But that's what I feel. Fucking scared.

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