Wednesday, August 02, 2006

early rise

I woke up around 05.15 (already light). No wonder I'm cold!
I took my drugs early last night b/c I have been insomniac like I wrote here lately, but it was only at 23.00, and I was in bed after midnight, so what is going on?! OK it is a little colder than I have been used to (normal Dutch summer now). Also, I have been very excited. In Dutch the word for excited encompasses 2 meanings, unlike English where it is only positive. "Spannend" is excited but also stressed, nervous. I think this is deeper than English, as any kind of happiness is always laced with stress and anxiety, at least for me.

And I am very very happy, but also a little sad.

I kind of lost it last night. I was watching "The Wedding Crashers" with P, and I have been so fatigued for so many nights that I just started laughing then crying a bit hysterically and coughing etc, and felta complete dork. I was embarassed after that. I went to sleep here on my own; I needed that, and fell asleep as soon as I hit the matress.

I felt so ingratiated and thankful (are those synonyms?) yesterday, and still today, b/c I had a meeting with my super, and kind of opened up, again, about the side effects and how they interfere with my life on occasion, and he was so kind and understanding. Although he said I don't need to bring it up every time I see him, and I know I got the A-OK from him and my big boss to be sick now and then, which I never am, and I suppose it was getting too close & personal for him to have me repeat that, but it was infortant to me to get the re-confirmation, b/c sometimes I am afraid that people don't realize it's going to be like this for the long haul. I think that they might think, maybe, Oh, you have HIV, you have to be on meds, you'll get used to it, and don't realize this thing has a momentum of his own, or maybe it's not other people, but me who has to come to terms wit the fact that this is lifelong and this entails ups & downs. It is hard for me to accept that I could actually be getting the side effects of the drugs, as much as it is hard to comprehend that I could actually get sick. B/c I have never really been sick, although my immune system really crushed. Just like when I was travelling, I have never taken malaria prevention, which of course was quite foolish. So, if the drugs have possible side effects, and even very common side effects, listed in the brochure (I showed the brochure to my supervisor; I think that made him quite uncomfortable. I told him it was b/c I wanted him to see that I am not making things up - but actually I think it was more to bring home the truth to myself, that I am not making it up, b/c there is a side of me that doesn't even believe me, that still thinks this whole HIV thing is an exaggeration, that sometimes thinks it is all a dream I will wake up from). Anyway, every drug always has a whole gamut of possible side effects listed, but I never think I'd get them, especially since my initial start with meds was such smooth sailing, when on the sites and even from the doctors I read that i can expect chymo-like sideeffects pretty much. Just like nobody expects an accident when they're driving. Lipoatrophy is an exception - I didn't seriously think I would get it, but the thought of even the chance of getting it horrifies me so much (especially since it is irreversible) that I switched meds only a couple months into the treatment, against the advice of my docs here, & even now I am not completely calm about it, b/c it scares the crap out of me. I am even thinking that if ever I find myself in a fortunate position to do so, I would rather adopt than get pregnant (which also detonates my biological clock; phew), b/c with the current meds I am not allowed to concieve, and would have to switch back to azt-based combivir for that. I can't even breastfeed, so what's the point of getting pregnant... it's not like it could ever happen naturally, and the older I get, the higher the chance that I would need IVF on top of the usual artificial homemade methods. But it might be something my body would miss. It would certainly be something my heart would miss, if I thought that I can't have kids at all, well, that's one of the things that scares me the most. But hey, I would get to keep my body (lame consolation, but you gotta get consolations where you can find them right...).

Anyway, I felt really, really touched and grateful and peaceful and in a strange way also motivated after the talk with my super, b/c he told me to just go ahead and be myself (maybe not in these words), and take time out when I need it, and not push, and realize that even when I take on commitments I can get out of them should the need arise (again, not in these words). In short, he was understanding and reassuring, even if (but maybe I am hypersensitive with my lack of sleep) a little impatient. Or just embarassed by the personal level. Poor guy, I am the first one he supervises, and he gets the full monty. And that just cleared my whole day, and I worked for the remaining hours till the building closed, actually enjoying it in a calm not-frantic way, not working against but with myself for a change, and I worked out, which felt great, also not pushing it too much but kind of listening to myself, and I walked home, and there was a rainbow over the canal, and I passed by Ps and he was in the shower and came out and I kissed him, went home, showered & re-invited my brother & wife who want to come over, and joined P for dinner and the DVD, during which at some stage I lost the plot in a semi-hysterical way, and even now I feel a small hiccuppy laughing-crying fit coming on, just from the relief & release (not unlike the one I got the last time I came, when I think of it), and it's all coming beautifully and loosely together.

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