Got it

I got the email I wanted. I am awake after a very short night (went to meet my friend A., who calmed me down with his common sense, last night, came back around 2.00, stayed chatting until 4 on the "love & hurt" forum, went to bed, read Drama of Gifted Child, couldn't sleep for abaundance of insights, went back to computer, saw email).

I am on a non-restrictive diet. Eat as much as I want, except certain ingredients.
I don't need to smoke. Took one "behind mum's back", while she is in town, put it off. Can do it, don't need it.
Looked at ancient disoriented poor uncoordinated arthritic dog stumbling blindly about on the patio, where she has been deported due to her uncontrollable urination and defecation.

Felt sad, felt it might be time to put her to sleep. I think it's also the fact that she know longer recognizes me, and I am not sure even my parents, and even seem to doesn't enjoy being petted anymore. She is just not the dog we knew (she is more than 18 years old)

But, who is to say this existence is worth less.
I wouldn't like to live like this, but I don't know how I would feel when this happens.

I am in love
He is in love
Or in any case, something definately is going on there

He is going away with his family for the weekend. They are having some sibling disputes, that I commented on. Then I felt insecure (hence the lighting up) for speaking up. Then I dared to ask him (he also asked me very explicitly and rudely to write him) to respond before they leave so I would feel more secure.

I learned a lot in the past days, about myself, about how I am "under fire" of relationship uncertainty.

I am too tired to write more now, but I will, later.