Thursday, August 17, 2006

I don't want

to wake up from a nap trying to sleep longer and longer, and to be fearful, and check my emails in fear. And then not to see a reply to my mail from a guy who is supposed to be my boyfriend, for the 3rd (or 4th) day in a row. WTF?! It takes me back to a bad, sad place, to the heart of winter, when I was diagnosed, and I was also on a home visit, and all the insecurity which ended up being as just plane intuition, and now I am so fearful, and I can't enjoy my homevisit.

I know I am needy, and fear rejection, and insecure maybe more than most people. But I don't deserve this. It hurts me so much. It makes me feel so vulnerable and so hopeless. I am not strong enough to handle this. If I had stayed with you (because, I no longer beleive that you are my boyfriend. That is the sad truth. One minute you send a loving reply, while you were still in the Netherlands, and in the next one Poof! you disappear and I feel a growing dreadful certainty that it means you decided to finish the relationship for one reason or another, and you are not gutsy enough to tell me, and not gutsy enough to write pretending everything is OK).

It is a horrible, horrible place to be in. I can't stand it. I can't stand my friends having babies and everyone around me being in long relationships. And my own always end in abandonment. And there is nothing I can do but sit quietly milesand miles away and feel it get destroyed, and wonder what happened. And long for an email. Because when I left you said you would call me even, you wanted my mobile number, you asked me to email it to you, and you said we would skype, and if you haven't been checking emails for this long... that's impossible. And if you did and just won't bother replying. Itis wierd, too strange. It would be careless and hurtful but I guess there could be some excuse, like when you went to Germany and your battery run out and you didn't have my number, but then, I knew you were coming back in 3 days. So I thought that something like this may have happened. But here, there could be no excuse. But part of me is afraid. Maybe something happened to you? An accident or something. Maybe something happened to one of your parents?

Maybe you met another girl - that was the case with the guy who infected me. Maybe you got reacquianted with an old childhood friend and you realized she was the one for you all along. The one you've been waiting for. It is so painful for me right now. I promise to work on my issues of abandonment, if you would just show me that everything is OK. I promise not spiral into these cycles of dread and fear whenever you act loving or affectionate. I promise to enjoy it. But how can I enjoy it when everything is always so temporary? When I can't trust anyone?

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't send you this email, it's too desperate. But I can't live like this, I feel so trapped and burdened and lost. I know if I send this, you will feel (if, as I suspect, you are debating within yourself whether you want to continue with this commitment or not) burdened and overwhelmed and you will have to let me go. So I am just paralized with growing pain and fear in another country.

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