Emerging

I don't know what the heck is wrong with P and why he doesn't reply my email, but at least today (and last night, late into the night, after a binge) I am starting to emerge from my depressed, confused, fearful haze. My heart still aches, so I don't want to check the email account that he uses, and I will email my friends R & E & C, who also use this account, from another one asking them to respond there, so that I can avoid checking it for a while. Ahh, who am I kidding, dunno if I'll be able to do that.

I excercised a bit last night, did 100 sit-ups, and that made me feel good. Why is it that the simple things, the things everybody tells you are good for you, are really good for you, whereas the things everyone tells you will be bad for you, like binging and smoking, will never be good? Home truths I never seem to fully accept. I also read in bed, I read a Truman Capote story I have never read before, I forgot the name but it's about this guy who wants everything and fucks it all up. He dumps a woman he stole from her boyfriend after she got him an excecutive advertizing job for a young heiress of a chocolate(?) empire, but he is so greedy that he does it all in by "leaking" a supposed marriage to a gossip collumnist. The heiress breaks up with him in disappointment, his ex won't have nothing to do with him, and falls out of favor with his capricious boss and is fired. He ends up in New Orleans, being chased by a spooky unrecogniziable voice on the hotel telephone, fucking a crippled woman Capote very wisely presents as the protagonist (rather than his) idea of the lowest of the low.
Before that I watched Bridezillas, that always cheers me up. One of the brides was this 40 year olf mother of 4 marrying a 33 year old guy, but she was not just a bride from hell, she was also pretty ugly, or at least... not beautiful in the conventional sense ;0). The priest was kind of sleazy and didn't look or act like my image of a priest at all, and told the prospective groom at some point he should change it from "till death do you part" to "till something better comes along".

Maybe I should say that to P, he is such a commitmentphobe. That should make him smile, and ease the seriousness. I should surprise him, but not seeking commitment and love. But I can't... I have the needy parts, and they grab hold of me when I am off guard.

Before that, I went for a sweaty walk, after which I talked to my dad, who came home from work after 22.00 (the amount that he works, and the way that he lives, both terrify me). He is depressed over the results of the war; the army chief has just been outed in the media as having sold his stocks (or bonds?) on the day that the war started, when obviously he should have been concerened with other things. And to think that poor David Grossman spoke against the war without mentioning he had a son risking his life in Lebanon, because he is this kind of chronically modest, ethical person (like my long-suffering father) who would never stoop to the demagogy of using that as any kind of justification or badge... and a day later his son was killed. Meanwhile the head of the army is speculating, based on his inner knowledge that a war is just about to break out, and that worse, we are about to lose it. My dad was extremely depressed about the state of the army as well; some units haven't trained together for 6 years, haven't fired a single shot during that time, the guys didn't know each other before they were assigned to guerilla battle; he was depressed about the descision making process and the sacrifycing of the sons, because it was clear from the get-go that this was not a land battle, and yet they sent tanks in there as though it was about conquering land and not destroying missiles, and again, some of the tank drivers haven't done that in years. It was a chaotic, messy war, and it would still be going on if the States didn't intervene. It didn't help shit, the North is apparently destroyed, Lebanon is in shreds, and Israeli society is more fragmented and fearful and confused than ever.
I didn't mean to write anything political, but there you go. I guess I can copy and paste this in response to all my friends who ask me about the war.

The general concensus in Israel is that of distrust, of a lack of leadership and a belief that the current one is at best inexperienced and at worse careless and corrupt. I don't see them as essentially any different from their predecessors since Rabin was assassinated (and to a certain extent Sharon had his stroke). But no matter what leadership we get, it's hopeless. My dad is also scared shitless about Iran. It's just a matter of (short) time till Hizbullah regains it's strength and will even be stronger than before, and as they are planning to hit us when Iran will attack us, possibley nuke as in a few years as their leader so openly boasts, the feeling here is of sheer panic.

But maybe, if they draw the right conclusions from this war, and realize that things need to be changed within the army quickly if it is to remain strong, then there is hope. I mean, it's "good" that it happened this way and not like Hizbullah's original plan. But then again, this is so complex, so shitty. And I still feel awful for all the poor inoccent civillians killed on both sides, but then again, what did the Lebanese expect when they let Hizbullah so openl control and rule the south, and allowed them a seat in the government. Aaaahhh Islam and terrorism, definately a strong link there. Look what happened in London now. So in this sense, from the fundamentalist POV, Israel is just a (highly sybolic and strategic) front. Nassrallah came out a hero to the extremist Islamic world (which is a pretty large section of the Islamic world). His mean that died are martyrs. Our men that died are just poor suckers... although heroic, beautiful young ones - but then again no dead soldier is ever seen as nothing but the best, if only as a tribute to his poor family, who need to find sense in all this cynical cycle of hatred.

Why am I writing this in my blog? I guess because it is a part of me, just like all the other stuff. This is not primarily or exclusively a HIV blog, although the HIV occupies me a great deal, nor a "love and relationship" blog, although I am obssessed with that (and maybe this blong will show me that I com completely normal, and not actually "obssessed" with anything, but that I have my issues, yes). It's about me, and I will be able to look back and trace all the processes I have been through, my ups and downs. And maybe there will be something general in it that others can identify with. Maybe not. Maybe I am just a one of a kind wierdo. But I don't think so, I think my trials and tribulations are universal, I think I am not that unique (as narcissistic as I am and as hard as it is to accept).

Going to post now, probably write more later.