I didn't hear from P, and it's already 2 days since I wrote him. So much for... so much for what really? Who am I deluding? The guy never loved me, he doesn't even feel a glimmer of hope that he will be able to love me. Mostly because he has never loved anybody.
And me, do I love him, or have I just become dependent on him to get me through that lonely place and hard times? I know, we had some very good times together. But I was a fool to see in it any indication of something more, that something would come out of it. We are just two foriegners who hooked up, glued by sex and laughter.
He probably had a good re-think, after seeing how I behaved towards my brother and sister in law, seeing how irritated I was with her (based on my pure jealousy of them trying to concieve), and how un-cool I was. And noticing my addictive and depressive nature, and realizing that HIV is NOT going to make it better. Besides, he really doesn't need an excuse not to be with me. He told me a long time ago that he has never felt love or been in love with anyone, and my need to hear the L word just resulted in imprinting this reality even deeper.
I am so disappointed, I ended up writing an email in his name to myself:
How are you? How is life in Israel, alright after the war? I hear Israel is licking it's wounds - a lot of shit going on down there. Though here we focus more on Lebanon. But hey in life, and war, there are always winners and losers (in a war there are no winners a wise man once said).
So how is the craic? Sorry for not having written for 2 weeks. You must be getting ready to go back to Netherlands now. Did you gain a lot of weight? manage to study at all? meet your remaining friends? how are your parents? is your dog still alive? It must be sad to see her dying slowly like this.
Here in Spain everything is great. I go out with my friends every night. Especially since it was the fiesta for the Virgin Mary yesterday. We drink, dance and talk for hours. In the day I sleep, then eat with my family, and before I know it it's time to go out again.
I did not have much time to write you, but I did have time to think before I go to sleep and when I wake up about our relationship. I have been thinking how much I like you, and that you mean a lot to me, but that I will never love you. Mostly because I am not able to love anybody. Sorry. I know it's hard, but I think it is better to put things out in the open. You know I always prefer to be honest with myself and others.
So, as painful as it is for you, I think that you know in your heart that the best thing is to stop sending emails, and all form of communication. I feel guilty, but less now than if I would be doing this at a later stage, as I know that I no doubt would have sooner or later. The sex was great, the laughing was fun, but I just can't handle the commitment. It's not you, it's me. Besides, if I ever do settle down it will be with a local girl in my own country, near my family, so that she can speak with them and all my childhood friends en Espaniol (I know you are talented in languages, but I don't think you could ever be good enough for this, it will take years and years in the best case scenario, and I wouldn't want to wait).
Notice that I didn't mention the HIV, so please don't take it on yourself. You are a wonderful person, very smart for a woman, sexy, good in bed, and I am sure you will find someone.I think I was attracted to the HIV - it makes everything seem so temporary, and to a guy like me that is an advantage.
So, povrecita, I am glad I finished helping out with your apartment and everything. You can keep J. I might see you around. Take care and don't be too sad. we both know how strong you are.
El estupido pollo