Hardly slept in the last nights, b/c going out quite often (summer), socializing, P sleeping more fitfully than usual and tossing and turning for what seems like hours before he falls asleep, till finally last night I asked him to move to my living room, where there's a matress on the floor. Actually I didn't so much ask it as the idea emerged from between the both of us (I wouldv't immegrated there myselfbut I haven't vaccumed in a while and am scared of spiders). In any case, he was so casual and sweet-natured about it. And this morning we had a discussion over our breakfast (which as usual extended way longer than we both planned), in which so many topics came out. Starting with the sex catalogue... through to discipline and the fact that in sex, like in anything else, when you are supposed to do something, when you tell yourself that you "must" do something, no way will you do it, you rebel against yourself. I can only get anything done through the sense of freedom, through the sense of having a choice.
Then I brought up the fact that he, when I met him at least, was always really casually saying that when he is done here he will go back to his country and start a family, b/c "it's time" (high time a lot of folks in my own country would say). He first of all didn't really remember that he used to say that, or didn't acknowledge it, and then he said there ain't nothing wrong with being single, and that he knows a lot more people who are unhappy in a marriage than happy couples. Then I got really quiet and scared. I mean, I am so tired I couldn't act it out. But I don't know how much of that was tired reflex and how much of that was real fear. I mean, I can't speak and sepculate about him, although of course it's my tendency to do so, but I can speak about myself: I have never ever had the confidence that somebody will want me enough to be with me, marriage or not (marriage to me is just a title for legal reasons anyway and maybe a ceremony, but I don't care for marriage per se). I do fear being alone and aging alone. Well, being alone I can handle, I have handled my entire life (save for a few rather shitty relationships [in retrospect at least], from which I escaped as much as possible, if not physically than in my own head]. It's only now I am getting a glimpse that life could be completely different, something that is challenging all my axioms.
I know I will never be completely alone. For one thing, I will always have God. I am also the type to make friends easily and connect well to people, and I don't think that would change. I kind of fear not having the possibility of having kids, but God know I wouldn't have any now! In fact that is something I would postpone indefinately if I could. Too bad we are born with a ticking biological clock. And too bad mine is maybe ticking away faster. Anyway, kids are really far fetched for me now, but I know that I want to have a lasting relationship, and I know that what I have with him is really, really rare (even if he doesn't see it, and takes me and it quite lightly). I know, strategically, it isn't wise that i tell him I love him (not even sure I mean it, but don't think anyone ever is, and I only say it when it is really, really pressuring to pop out of my mouth and having supressed it and supressed it I just can't contain it anymore. again, I think I say it b/c I am "not allowed" to say it...). I know all that.
I wrote here a while ago that I am so afraid of losing what I have, but what choice do I have but to move forward and enjoy the moment (an oximoron, but just as you're enjoying the moment, you are moving forward).
What choice do I, do we all, have but letting go? Letting go and letting God, some would say. No - I can take this commitment - I would say that, actually, too.