Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Only human

As long as I'm in pain,I know I'm still alive.
Better than feeling nothing at all.
As long as I speculate on why he acts the way he does (I was going to write "does this to me", but I know he doesn't "do" anything "to me"), I know that the focus is off myself and onto something else, external.
I wish... I wish he wouldn't "do" this.
I wish he'd treat me better... differently.
Somwhere in my mind is a nagging superstition - is it because of what I did with the dolls that last (semi-disappointing) night?
And why was I disappointed when he said te quiero, which, after all, does mean I love you. Is it because for once I feel that his actions have dwindled? Before, he wasn't big on words but always on actions, so I always could feel that he cared.
Now, something has soured, something isn't right.
I don't care if I am mental because of my period.
But we had such a great conversation yesterday!
All the more reason - the level, persistent, tormenting voice continues - for him to want to resume it today, especially since he said that he would (although we hadn't made concrete plans to meet online. And now that I think of it he told me I should email him and let him know when I am. But I did, saying I will not be available and asking for just a couple of lines instead).
And the Little Girl just wants to cry.
But, says the Adult, reasonably, you don't know what happened.
I don't need to know! What could have happened?! The LG cries in despair [is it any wonder that he calls me LG, although I nevere ever act like that in his vicinity, and maybe it's just a literal translation from ninia]
If I have learned anything from the time with Boon is how misleading cultural differences can be.
R. also warns me of them occasionally.
All I know, continues the LG, is that I am not happy. All it takes is a couple of lines in an email for God's sake. Really nothing more [and perhaps because you make do with so little, you get so little?]. Why won't he give me just that, when I ask for it [but he did, the last time, only it took him a while; then again, he was away]
& all he does is apologize... he knows it doesn't make me feel good.
But, you don't want him to "give" you anything. No handouts thank you. You only want what he wants to give. Otherwise it's completely... useless. Asking is useless - your asking already proves that [but can you expect to get everything you ask for, when and how you want it?]
You can't always get what you want but you always get what you need
Yeah, right.
If he is only humoring you, and doing things to make/keep you happy...
But he says he likes to see me happy, wants to see me laugh, the smile on my face. Well that ain't the way! Half or more of the pain in the last week could've been avoided.
Maybe he doesn't realize this power that he has, because he doesn't feel the same.
Of course he doesn't feel the same. I am always there when he needs me.
But, when you love someone, you want to make them happy. You do things just to make them happy, don't you? Besides, and more importantly, when you love someone, keeping in touch isn't an effort or a chore, you want to keep in touch with them, have to stop yourself from keeping in touch with them, at least once a day, a couple of days, hell, once in 3-4 days - that's how long we didn't communicate when we left NL. Because... you miss them.
It's simple. All truths are.
But he has already told you that he doesn't love you. Te quiero mucho mucho, but not te amo. And you have to accept that he never will (he said: not yet).
Move on girl, move on.
Move on where? Where can I go like this?
You don't know what life has in store for you until you try. Just like you wouldn't have gotten this if you didn't come out of yourself.
In life (& love), you only get what you think you deserve. He was a good distraction. a necessary step, but to see him as more is just... painful, and doesn't lead where you want to go.
It's time to move on. Find that person who is really your soulmate. Not someone you have to change and restrict and censure yourself to be with. Someone with similar interests, beliefs, values, status as you.
You mean serostatus?
Maybe that, too.
OK, I'll write back that guy.
Are you sure this is the right thing to do now, with an aching heart?
Yes, because I am not happy. Don't I want to be happy?
But no one can 'give' you happiness. It is you who have to make that choice, every day.
Yes but I am only human, and for some reason, the message I am getting is mixed: rejection and affection, love and loss.
Sometimes I think I am not strong enough to handle this.
That's because you put yourself into these situations. But the choice is still yours, to walk away.
Is that the only choice? Putting up with it, or walking away?
'Fraid so. Or changing. But that's hard.
All I know is, I am not happy, and it takes just a couple of lines to make me happy (is that so? doesn't it take a vacation with you & your family, a homevisit, a romatic trip, presents [which you haven't bought for him or any other friend for that matter, including your friends at home, or your friend who's just had a baby, always whining me me me].
So, I wrote the poz guy.
And, I will buy presents.

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