Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Reply to GG's comment

I agree with you, in principal. I have to speak to him (I will do that face to face), or find someone who gives me what I need. I don't think he does it to hurt me, I know he cares deeply about me, maybe even loves me (he kind of says it and our mutual friends all say it because it's apparent). There are 2 issues here: 1) why he doesn't feel the need to check on someone he loves every day (I did not post his own emails but he writes that he thinks of me often, as in most of the time - why then the need to detach?) ; 2) why am I unable to tell him - although I have told him, which he doesn't see because he doesn't check emails. But I am unable to put my foot down in a clear manner on this. It causes me a lot of pain. I know one thing, this is still a very good relationship (if you saw us together you would agree, and I have been in enough crappy ones to judge). But the physical distance and the emotional closeness (that was before I left) brings out strange things in both of us. These things could resolve with time, or time & work, or not. I don't want to "make a wrong move" by lashing out from the place of the hurt child in me because I know it's very easy (see what happened to that girl on the forum). I don't know if P. is "the man" for me but he is a good friend and boyfriend, though like the name of my blog "not perfect at all". In everyday life he is attentive and always there, I always know what he is doing and see him every day. He is not the distant, unreachable BF at all. In short I prefer right now to think and vent (on my blog; imagine I vented like that on the forum, what would people do to me; same for the drafting replies, I do it to help myself think more clearly, I know that it is not nice what he does but I know also that it causes me a disproportionate amount of pain and that paradoxically the more pain I have the more quiet I feel I should be about it, and I know that these things are not necessarily related to him as a person but to deep patterns in me). It is you who mentioned "the golden route". I am going to try to find it, with this guy, or if necessary with another guy (realistically speaking, we are together 2.5 months; in my heart of hearts I am giving it a few more to be sure, because like you say, age & HIV and all that).
I really appreciate your opinion, and your support, Hugs

No comments: