Stayed indoors, reading, got replies for various emails, spoke up with P. about how I feel. It was so... liberating. He was silent at first and I ddin't know what to make of it but I couldn't keep it bottled any longer. I wasn't angry just sad. But he said that I should have spoken, he was not as terrified as I thought, he accepted it. And then we put it behind us and laughed, which was wonderful, and he told me he definately misses me, and it was so mellow. Somehow (with his help & that of my terrible PMS) I pushed myself into a corner where I was so lonely and nervous & the only way to break out of it was make contact with people. Him, but before that R. the neg guy, P from the love & hurt forum.
I need people in my life. I have lived without them for so long. I need love, and warmth and support from friends. I need to be able to show myself to the world as I am and to come out, if necessary.
I post here an email I wrote P. but didn't mail. If I am not home tomorrow to skype him I will send it.
The truth doesn't just hurt; it also sets you free.
I wanted to tell you how nice it was to speak to you and how good it made me feel.
It felt so good to hear your voice, and to tell you that I was sad. See, I grew up completely unable to express my feelings, even to myself, and to be able to talk to people is just... wonderful. I can't describe how that makes me feel. I just saw a documentary about really fat people who go for the first time in their lives to a special resort in Mexico that caters to really obese people, and how liberated they feel for the first time in their life to do things ordinary people do and enjoy themselves and express themselves. And that's how I felt today after daring to speak to you.
There is so much I want to tell you, I really miss you and really look forward to seeing you. My whole life I grew up so painfully shy and secluded and closed within myself; it's the HIV that is finally redeeming me, isn't that ironic.
I am not going to mail this yet - I am still censuring myself. I have been thru so much in the past week, it's almost like psychoanalysis or something. I realize I come with a lot of baguage. And sometimes it's hard for me to beleive that someone can actually want me with it. It felt very librerating to express dissatisfaction and hurt and for you not to be scared but just to reply and kind of take it.
I have to say it: I love you