Wednesday, August 02, 2006

time to breathe?

An email i sent to a man I met on, with whom I became some kind of friend:

Hi ____

First of all I am really really glad to hear that!!!!! You deserve it, and without knowing her I can sense that she really deserves it too!!! I am so happy for you!

What kind of work does she do? Is she a phD student like me? Is she around my age? I am asking, b/c sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world, although I know I am not of course...
It's actually good to get a reminder from you to breathe, b/c somehow I wasn't doing that too much lately. It's summer, everyone is on holiday, and I am not working much, but somehow I feel soooo stressed.

I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's my drugs that makes me insomniac and throw me off balance (am taking sustiva). Maybe the crap situation at home (Israel) which makes me think too much of the future and not wanting to get back there (I never did, but now I worry about my parents and my own future). I feel pressure from all directions, but when I try to find the real source of pressure I can't.

My arm is much better so I am back at the gym and even jogged slowly yesterday.

With my BF it's great. Which could also be another source of stress - not that I would do without it. He is leaving in a year, and in 6 months I have to decide if I am staying or not (it was supposed to be next month, but I got a 6 month extension on my first year; still I guess it was naiive to expect that this will rid me of all stress, and when I look back, the past 7 months since diagnosis were the hardest but also the most beautiful in my life). I think too much about the future maybe, but hey we aren't kids anymore, and certainly my disease, to be blunt, makes me think I should find somebody now as long as I am still young and attractive. Not that I am with him b/c he's the only one who will take me - not at all!! there was someone like that before him, a local guy, but I decided I am better off alone (don't remeber if I told you that).

I admire you for taking the initiative to travel halfway round the world to find that someone special and even more so for being able to live with the uncertainty of a long distance relationship.

I keep my fingers crossed for you, indeed, and hope to hear from you soon.

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