Back

Back in the NL, I didn't post yesterday b/c I was so wiped out from the traveling, but I feel so much better, in my own life, in my element, even with it's griviences (mostly work-related, and of course P.- & loneliness-related lurking in the background; but some of it could well be in my own head, at least amplified by my own head).

OK I am writing too much to myself here, I have to backtrack and explain.

My "boss" has a girlfriend who is also "in the biz", and this woman collaborates with him & my other "boss". I think that she has a strong tendency to steal people's ideas and work and get credit for stuff that isn't her own, but she does this very cunningly, always walking the thin line between plaigairism and legitimate inetraction. I feel threatened by this lady. I have explicitly asked my boss not to tell her of my status because I have never trusted her (nor she me, I think), and I think that so far he hasn't although he has told a friend of mine that is also in the know it's hard for him. Anyway, a while back this woman had the audacity to ask my friend how committed I was to my project! I was infuriated! I think so far they see that I am. I know at least my #2 boss sees the kind of crap that I have to deal with, as he meets with me more, and I gave him a report that really impressed him. But he is also (I think) weaker & more forgetful. The other guy, who is more crucial to my career (the woman's partner), he is a good guy and no matter how much I F up (which I haven't yet) I think he would keep me, because he knows how crucial it is to my health and well-being to remain here (although I am less desperate now than the last time we spoke).
I have to put up with her. She is part of the bundle. And in other ways, she has been helpful to me (not work-related). That's part of life I guess. And I put up with it. It's just... that when my friend forwards me an email from this woman who asks for something that I know is explicitly related to my ideas, or when she tells me that this woman asked this or that about me, I can't help but feel very threatened and intimidated. To the point of getting a stress-headache (OK, not sleeping enough and then sleeping till 22.00 last night and then dancing the night away in a gay bar with P.'s young and clueless friends could also have something to do with it).
Part of growing up is accepting that there will always be sources of tension like this lady (or my former work-roommate, whom I dread coming to see me speak in Jan). I am after all in some sort of competetive environment. It's not a 9-5 regular job where you just do what you do. There are interests involved in any job, power struggles, obstacles. Actually, even while working for McDondalds or working for your self these could appear. The key is to recognize them and put them aside, for now. I am really hoping to do that. See, P. is the kind of guy (I am so in love with this guy) who never gets into these situations because he never even notices what I am complaining about now.

I am reading a very interesting book that considers depression as a physical ailement and inflamatory reaction, or first sign of infection. Depression, this book says, comes from the heart not from the mind (although I still believe that it could be regulated through the mind, basically depression, as any type of feeling, resides in the limbic or more primitive brain, which is connected to the physical body, and not in the frontal cortex, which contains the intelect). Depression is often not only the cause of physical ailement but something that denotes it's approach (cancer, heart failure, and in my case, I am pretty sure, HIV). It's very complex and dynamic of course and a chicken and egg question. But in short, I am looking into ways to treat my depression and hence myself unconventionally. Of course, getting homeopathic treatment from one of the greats can only help (although he says it is almost useless treating me, because the heavy duty drugs that I take and the antibiotics I have been on fo the past 8 months diminish greatly from the effectiveness of homeopathic treatment).

There is so much that I want, and if I am to have even a bit of it, paradoxically, I have to give up on my wants (thank you "Dr. D" from the ABC store; thank you Mr. Boon on your island, you have been so helpful lately with your Buddhist insights; I love you). I have to let go of the ego, enjoy the moment, live these cliches, and just recently, I have been managing to do so, though admittedly, away from my period (finally), on good homeopathy since Wedensday, and now also on Omega 3. I try... I really try to improve my life and live in the Now, hoping that this is the only way that a reasonable, happy future is possible.

I picked up on my last days home (where is home actually, because I feel like I came home when I came back to NL, although I couldn't be less Dutch, and mijn Nederlands is bloody awful for someone who's been here 2 years already), a journal I kept in the year I was infected. The year of the huge heartache. The guy who infected me not only got me pregnant but also broke my heart in a very painful way. And of course, I let him. Almost invited him to do that. I read through my posts and it was as though I could have written them over the past 2 weeks, when I was struggling with the bad PMS and all the insecurities, loneliness and feelings of abandonment that being home threw me into. I was also stunned by how good my writing was (if I say so myself), since some of the parts were written like poetry or short stories. Very raw. I really want to do something with that. But with my regular work being in front of a computer, and with this blog, emails and web forums, that will be hard. But I really want to... At the same time, I am scared to delve into these darker places, I want to keep things light and enjoyable (but isn't that a dellusion, a suppression), enjoy my time with P. This year with its deadline pressing on both of us (I told him outright and plainly that I was scared; he said "but anything could happen in a year", and I made a very dark joke of it, saying "I could be diagnosed with another disease... I could break more parts of my body", which is of course completely true, not just for me but for anybody. My biopsy has been moved to this Tuesday from the following week).