Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Advice needed

I woke up today in a strange mood (yes it's that time of the month). I sometimes feel that I spend too much time/energy on the interet, yet it helped me and kept me alive, literally (not to mention got me a career.
Last night I was as usual with my boyfriend, he made great dinner, then he was ironing, and he called himself a house husband. I dared to tell him that I would like to live with him. We are now 5 months together, and we know each other for about 8 .
He didn't react to this, both of us got new apartmentsabout 6 months ago, and we live on the same street, so there is no reason to live togetherHe only said that if we didn't live so close he would not walk me home every night. I asked what he would do and he said he would come to my place more. It's like I am always trying to catch him with a nasty comment, to test him, but it doesn't come
He didn't say anything about the living together, he never says anything but hugs and kisses me all the time. I am going to spend 10 days with his family, he told his parents that I am coming. I am so nervous, because they are so conservative that i will have to sleep in his room and he will have to sleep with his sister (not in the same bed haha). Plus, they don't speak any English, nada. He told me that his dad told him after his first girlfriend (when he was 15-20) that the next girl that he brings to their house must be the girl he will marry... well, he had other girlfriends but he didn't bring them and now he brings me and he is a few years older than me, so yeah, of course I think about it
We even talked about children, on our trip, because there were a lot of kids around and I shed a tear and said I don't know if I will ever have any - between my job, treatment, and disease I don't know if it is possible, although HIV+ women in general can have healthy kids. And he said that he doesn't mind adopting a kid at all, even an older kid, even a black or Asian kid (you see a lot of that here). But it was all very theoretical...
yesterday he asked me if there is anything I miss/need, and I said that I am happy, which is true. I am very happy. This has been the best year of my life - ironic huh? The year that I find out that I have HIV (actually have AIDS, on paper), is the best year of my life, and the most fulfilling love affair. But everything is so uncertain. I will prbabaly go to Asia around March for a while from work, he will probabaly have to leave this country around August. Now that I have him, I will just die if I have to stay here alone without him, but of course I couldn't say that. I only said in reply to his question that I used to need to hear I love you but I don't anymore, and he didn't say anything. He never told me he loves me. But everyone says he does. My social worker says he does. She says he will never say it, and he will never make descisions, because he lives his life - also his professional life - in a very relaxed way without making descisions, without worrying about the future or regretting the past. I guess this is what enables him to have a relationship and also sex - safe, but still - with me. Not that i ever think I would infect him, because we talked to professionals about this, but still, I know the amount of paranoia when it comes to HIV, and I don't expect myself to be a hit on the singles market, especially not in Israel
Yet it would be nice to hear I love you from him. As I wrote here, on Sunday he said that he is very tempted to say I love you, and asked me what would happen if he did. I said "I just might believe you" - should have said I don't know, but somehow I always play along to his tune, without thinking
Why am I writing all this? I guess I am nervous. I feel vulnerable. I don't want to manipulate him into staying here, even though he loves it here. It's not even sure that if he wants he can stay once his job is done. There is high unemployment here even for locals, and I know many many couples of foreigners who had to live in different countries and/or seperate under our circumstances. But he seems to want to leave everything to chance, "que sera sera", and my fear is that if we leave it to chance I will lose everything, but I am afraid to push because I don't want to lose everything anyway because of my stress
Advice anyone?

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