Tuesday, October 24, 2006


I am jolted away from a strange dream/nightmare in which a brother(?) of mine is entering a closed apartment that I have boarded up, he is big and abusive, a potential molester, nothing like my real brother at all, who is also in the dream. I have to pretend and be nice although I am shit scared of him. Then there is an angry violent mustachioed Mexican man, almost comic because he is so short, but nevertheless dangerous. I hate waking up with an alarm clock, because then I can't finish or remember or understand my dreams, and they follow me around the whole day. The first thing I do while having breakfast is "vomit" on one of the participants in a web forum I use, who is a prick. He was just boasting last night about how he gets down and dirty with the Eastern European sex slaves in Pattaya, Thailand. Another guy wrote that he goes to prostitutes too. Actually someone I sympathize with although he is a wierdo (can I say that?). Both of these guys are like the blind leading the blind, writing advice about love and hurt when they know F-all about F-all. So yeah, I guess the little Mexican gangster is my anger, because I spent last night bitching to P. about the girlfriend of my boss together with my other boss "sampling"some chunks of my work. And there is nothing I can do about it because it is done in a very clever way, but also, even if it wasn't walking the thin line, I am dependent on these people and I might be even more so in the future. So what's a little ego when there is a chance for freedom, for understanding of my special needs, for special consideration. Then we watched Anchorman, which I have already seen so wasn't that funny this time, except Ben Stiller in a tiny role as a violent Spanish language newscaster in a TV channel B-movie type "gang war". Tiny and furious, almost foaming at the mouth... no wonder I had a small Mexican in my dream...

I have to get to work, but I am stalling by writing here. I all of a sudden, while complaining to P. about those acts of dishonesty, got really nervous about things I have to do later this year. Standing up in front of people, presenting my work. I hate that. But then again, this comes with the job, and 99% of the problems and fears are in my mind, and come from a place where I feel judged and ridiculed. And also the trip to Asia looms in the distance, but I am still stalling while saying to myself I will wait for my counts (which I have to get tested for this week again due to the blood taking fiasco, so I will have the results only in about 2 weeks), even though the doctors do not object to my going, and have even sent me a letter that I can show if I am stopped by customs or need to see a physician. But the health thing, that's just the excuse. Really I am scared of the trip and comfortable in my life here, and I crave stability and warmth, and P. is a constant presence in my life, at the expence of other things like other friends and the gym and reading and writing, but a stablizing force I am fast becoming dependent on, which is also scary. knowing I would see him any given evening. Although we usually don't spend week nights together. This is something I have come to rely on. It is 5 months since we became a couple, and about 8 since we met.

I'm listening to Lucinda Williams. We're going to see her next week. Not your typical born-for-the-stage moaning and grinding Britney/Shakira/Beyonce/Christina type star, that's for sure, yet she goes out there and does it, and has been doing it for many years. Just singing, writing, making music. On and on. That's inspiring. I need that long haul motivation, because I am feeling lost.

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