Monday, October 23, 2006

Weekend Warrior

Well I am back from the national park/freeway motel, which were both wonderful. We didn't do anything we planned to do.. almost, missing out on some improtant sites, but we cycled for miles and miles and miles in the automn colors, and we ate in a great posh restaurant, and we got even closer. And it couldn't have been better.

I had planned to write in my blog this morning because it's already late and I want to squeeze in a jog before coming (late) to work, but I ended up writing a long reply to a girl I know from an internet forum (I could spend my whole life replying emails) and then drafting it because it was too personal. I don't trust my judgement sometimes, and prefer to wait.

I did not have the computer at the tiny getaway, so I ended up scribbling on the hotel reciept while sitting on the toilet. I made a list of some of the crazy "musts" and beliefs that opress and depress me in my head. Here they are, in a random order, and probabaly incomplete:

- I must always look my best
- I must remain young(er) looking
- If there is someone younger, prettier andf thinner around (or in a magazine ad, TV screen), I must compare myself and become jealous of her
- Ditto for someone more successful, with family, etc
- Wasting time is sinful
- Time is money
- An unattached woman is lonely & pathetic
- Sex should always result in orgasm
- A smile on a face means the owner of that face is happy
- Saddness is a sin and an embarassment
- Visible saddness more so
- I must produce something, all the time, every day
- I must look my best but no one should be aware of the effort/time/money I spend on it
- A woman without a man is desolate, lonely, and pitiful; a man without a woman is free, intersting and strong
- If a partner ever heard me fart, saw a booger in my nose, looked at various asymetric details of my body, or saw an untweezed hair on my upper lip/chin, he would becomes so disgusted that he would have to leave me
- I must excel in everything I do
- I mustn't falter, experiment or hesitate
- Men can't stand emotion; women can't stand lack of emotion
- I must supply everyone with what they need, when they need it, reading and responding to their needs as they appear
- If I am unattractive, life is not worth living
- I must grab every chance - for food, sex, affaction, friendship, love, travle, success, respect (professional and personal) when it appears because if I don't it will be gone forever
- If I lose touch with friends, they will be permanently gone from my life; If I don't talk to my parents for a while they will die, and everything that we had before would be meaningless
- If I don't sleep enough, I don't look fresh, and when I don't look fresh/young people will know something is wrong with me and keep away
- When I leave people, they die; when I don't maintain contact, they will not be there when I do
- No one any nothing ever waits
- If I stop to acknowledge that I am happy and satisfied at a present moment, something will immediately ruin that
- People inevitably let you down; it's in their nature
- Women are used and abused; except some, but I don't know how they operate
- Love equals possession and love without the possession to show for it equals nothing
- I must always have what I want, when I want it. Therefore, I a) must know what I want and b) suffer when I don't have it
- Pain is an illusion and a disturbance to be fought and erased
- Everyone is responsible for their destiny
- Life should be fair and unfairness should be balanced out
- Suffering brings reward
- Gluttony is a sin, but waste is too
- To be proud is shamful; modesty is a virtue
- Hoping for the best inevitably results in the worst
- If I make a plan I must always stick to it
- There are people dependent on me
- A job 1/2 done is a job not done
- Ugliness is shameful
- Beauty and ugliness, good and evil, laziness and production, etc, can't live side by side
- Happiness results in inevitable comedown

Having written this down I emerged from the toilet (where I was perhaps symbolically taking a dump at the same time), and proceeded to my most excellent day with P. yet. we ddn't follow any plan through, missed the museum, the Medieval city, etc, but instead where surrounded by kiddies (it is half term vacation), and I even shed a tear saying I don't know if I will ever have kids (at the same time I said I don't like 'em, which is true to a point), because it's difficult with my state of health, and P. said he wouldn't mind adoption, even of an older kid. What a sweetheart... we were at the cash machine at home and he said I have to argue, because we never do (except about Communism vs. Capitalism and obscure stuff like that), and I said I love you, which is the most controversial thing I could have said. And he said, it's so tempting to say, after a weekend like this, I love you too (he has never said it). And then he said, what'll happen if I say it. And I said, I just might believe you. I should have said I dunno, try it... so I didn't hear the actual words, but I didn't care, we were happy as two pigs in shit the whole weekend, and my list kind of redeemed me from obssessive possessive mode, for now.

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