Out

I wake up excited like a kid, as though we are flying to India or Mexico, or at least to Paris, and not to a national park nearby. I can't help it, I love travel. I love seeing, doing, eating, thinking new things, getting out of the rut. Even my apartment smells different this morning, as though all my perceptions have been altered, and I feel myself being abroad, something which in everyday life I forget, unless I have someone visiting me.

It's strange how that makes everything special, gets me out of myself. Of course, this is just a small weekend getaway, and I am still nervous, mostly about not being good enough, smart enough, strong enough, sexy enough, getting my period mid-way... wearing clothes that stand out (how silly is that, we are staying in the Netherlands, how much could I possibily stand out?).

Going to rush to the supermarket now for some supplies, or is that too much? Are we being too organized? I never like to take food with me, even though it saves a lot of money, because I like the unpredictability of finding food on the road, although, this is still the Netherlands, and whatever food we may find will be probabaly as drab as it usually (but not always!) is. Drab is good too, sometimes I like staff lying around in refridgerators, full of conservatives, packed and processed, wht I don't know. Not because of the taste but because of how it makes me feel, the impersonality of it, like 24-hour convinience store food (Asia is full of those), neon lights, apathetic clerks, lives and auras rushing in and out, like ghosts in the night getting their supplies.
It's exciting, not knowing how the next 48 will look like, taking the plunge. I wish it was further, then again this is just a tryout, poking our toe in the water. And we're staying in one of these impersonal chain hotels on the highway. I used to clean one like that and I know how filthy they really are, did 4 rooms an hour, wiping the bathroom with the used towels, dropping pubes on the entrance carpet where they won't be seen (techniques taught by experienced chambermaides). Yet I don't care. Of course I prefer a genuinely clean cosy welcoming haven, but I would sleep in a capsule (at least until fatigue became an issue). Anywhere where there's movement, motion, fusion.

We even slept apart last night so we'd be fresh today... I wonder how many couples would do that, if you're crazy in love (but we're not) and it's a Friday night and you have a trip planned for the next day. In my previous relationships, I would be spinning into a loop, lovemaking and getting up early, a mad scramble to the car rental agency. Not this one, this one is on the slow cooker. I like that. Sometimes it makes me feel lonely and insecure. But I like that. No more emotional rollercoasters, at least to a degree that they can be prevented. Although... the last days... but I shan't (I always wanted to use that British sounding abbreviation) get neurotic about it, at least no more than usual. I wish we could just keep going. Hijack the rental car (would would they do? probabaly just fine us), make calls to work, cross borders, reach Morocco or Russia or Albania (I would run out of drugs though... but I did take a couple days' more just in case).

One of my dreams is taking a trip around the world, visiting HIV+ people wherever I find them, and writing a book with their stories, like a map or a puzzle. But will I ever dare to be that selfish? I think it is important though, and I don't think a similar project has ever be done, of course, it will help me get more miles under my belt. But that's not the only reason. Nope, not at all. Such a journey could be risky though. And cost heaps. Maybe when I am done here.