They say that whatever you do on your birthday is a preview of the whole year. I remeber my 30th b-day, which I was terrified of. I had just landed my first legal job in Japan a week or so earlier, and I was traveling to the small town where I was supposed to live, via Sapporo, Kyoto and Tokyo. On my 30th, I was on the road with S., and I spent my first night in a love hotel, which was nice and clean and cozy despite having no windows, a completely sterile environment designed for discretion and automation. So when my birthday rolled in, I was making love, but I was not in love; I was headed to a new destination, he was headed back, and though we had feelings for each other, it was clear that we were not destined to be together, and we were just there for mutual support.
My 31st... dinner in the Netherlands prepared by a few friends, people I am unfortunately no longer in touch with. They moved on, our lives parted ways. My 32nd, I had dinner at an Indian restaurant with C. We are still friends, but we don't see each other as often as we used to. She is the only one who called and texted to congratulate me on this birthday. Everyone else knew, but forgot. There were no emails, not even from my parents or brother, and although I spent the evening with P. as usual, and although when the day rolled in I was probabaly somewhere before ot after orgasm, in the end he left without any wishes, just a reminder not to stay up by the computer for too long. We did make plans to travel this weekend, and he even surprised me by saying he'll take Monday off. But when the clock turned into the new day, after we were finished and dressed and before he departed, he just said that if I have time tomorrow I should look online for a B&B etc. My mum wrote me about a B&B I enquired about, but (like on my 31st), she too forgot to mention my birthday. Nothing from B., or R., or my friends in Israel, or the hundreds of people I associated with over the last 10 or so years either.
P. booked the ticket for me to fly to join him for new year's. I will be missing Christmas, since I don't want to stay that long where I can't speak the language. Silly really, this need for control, but I thought 2 full weeks will be too much. I will have to see what I do for Christmas, since everyone I know will be gone. Not that I celebrate Christmas, but it is such a family oriented time, and the entire city empties out. I guess I will do pretty much what I do now, type something out on the computer, smoke.
The only mention of my birthday that I got was an ecard from a complete stranger, which made me cry. I know that something fundamental in my life needs to be changed, but I don't know how to change it. I know that if I go to work tomorrow, J. will remember my birthday, but I asked her not to mention it to anybody. I don't want to bring cakes and sweets as is the custom here, to all those people who will soon, somehow, be gone too. I know that I am a HIV+ with a boyfriend that cares about me, and I definately know that my parents love me to death, and my brother too. I know I touched people's lives in my life, but at this particular point in time, I can't help feeling defeated. I can't help wondering if this is as good as it will ever get. I am sure that I will be embarassed reading this tomorrow, but whatever.