Blowing it

I didn't write for a while, I effed up with P. I mean, I ended up bottling it all in, not just the stuff with the medical experiemntation and all my suspicions. Also my qualms about going or not to Asia, the uncertainty of remainig in the Netherlands, my temporary defeat in the battle to live in the present, the stupid questions on the Ynet HIV forum ("my kid has been eating from the same bowl as other kids, can he get HIV?"). It all piled up, and then P. was at my place last night and I cooked dinner for a while and was so sad during it, he kept asking me what was wrong, I had to leave the table as soon as I was done and go to the window to smoke. All the songs I had randomly picked on my computer seemed so relevant, so sad. beck's Lost Cause, stuff like that. Him and I, we were on a totally different wavelength. he managed to make me laugh a few times and he tried to get me to tell him why I was sad but I didn't want to sound crazy. We went to bed and made love which was amazing, but I couldn't climax no matter what, and afterwards he pressed me to tell him again, and I had just opened my mouth to say it when he backed out and said "never mind, keep it for tomorrow. If it's still on your mind then it means that it's important". But it this stage, there was no backing up for me, and I ended up saying first that I want to live with him, something which I promised myself I'd never do. And he was kind of stunned and then he said well what do you think that I should do, and I said, I think you love me, but you are chicken to say so, which is what everybody says. But then he was like, no, I don't love you that way, and I am not ready, it's too early. And even his invitation to spend Christmas with his family, he turned around and made it not serious at all. And at that stage he had kind of pushed me to the edge, so I started blabbering about the whole drugs experimentation thing and my fear of the future and my priority of being with him and writing over my career, which is all true, in a way, but it should have never come out like that. And he was stunned and put off with all the responsibility. And then we went to smoke a cigarette, it was very late. He told me to finish it, he said "kill it", and I put it out and said "I killed it", meaning our relationship. But he didn't break up with me after all. He said that he wants to keep trying, even though he's afraid of "someone" getting hurt, but, he said, in life, people get hurt. He went home even though he didn't plan to spend the night at my place to pick up sour apples we were craving, and then we went to bed. He was tossing and turning and I was beating myself up over my entire conduct that evening, and I was sure that he was unable to sleep, until at some point I heard him snore and realized he was sleeping, and I only dozed off around 4.00, and woke up with a sickening, regret-filled, hangover feeling. I hated myself for having lost control like this. He had said when we were discusssing that it's good that I had let things out in the open and it's not good when one side pretends, but the only thing that came out of it is me scaring him and him seeing how desperate and vulnerable and scared and dependent I am, all the things that are such a turnoff for him, for any guy really but especially for him. I mean, I cried a lot, to top it off. I looked like crap. I didn't care anymore. I let myself lose control. I lost my cool.

I got through the day with the help of an email from B., who, having gotten over his malaria, is resuming his life, and wrote me (without knowing anything that had happened to me the previous night, since I hardly mention P. to him) that the only people worth crying over are those who'd never make you cry, and with support from R. via skype and then in person, when we played hookie and went on a long bike ride in the middle of the day, and a decent Dutch class, in which I felt myself gaining fluency. I got through the day, and even got a nice email from P. because I emailed him a song he was searching online, and he wrote that I am "crazy, sweet and sexy". But I do not like the crazy bit. No not at all. And I do not like him pretending that my coming over to spend more than a week with his family and friends, none of whom I will be able to converse with, without any of my usual outlets of gym, internet, friends, or even just plain taking a walk or going to the supermarket is no biggie, just a casual thing in a casual (if committed) relationship, and doesn't mean anything. Especially when I will be staying away from my own family. But if I choose to cancel my trip, I know it will be a blow to any chance I have with P. Yet he acts like he doesn't care at all about the future. I was at his place now, he had actually called me to see whether I am coming for dinner or not, and I did, and we were both tired, kissing and eating pizzas and watching TV and "scheduling" sex for tomorrow, after which he'll be leaving for 3 days to go to some work-related thing. There were no bad vibes between us at all, and I left even before he went to bed, and he insisted on walking me home, but then a few minutes later I called him, because he has lent me a computer program that belongs to his work and I wanted to ask if he needs it before the weekend, and I heard how wary his voice was, or maybe (probabaly!!!) I am ultra-sensitive, and scared, and him and I are both tired, and me I am premenstrual again, and he is a commitmentphobe so what did I expect when out of the blue I said I want to live with you without even meaning it, meaning instead take me into account, don't leave me behind (and how pressing is that, him and I have about a year together still), because I am getting used to you, and I am loving you more all the time even if you don't love me.