Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Recently I didn't have time/energy/will to blog, because I was consumed by other events. It is so easy for me to become distracted, and I really haven't found yet the way to focus and narrow down and breathe, but I am trying.

First, work has been a flurry of issues, with too many things happening (or not) at once, to the point that my head felt inflated, my breathing shallow, and I don't know what to do first and how and what to let go. I was also really disheartened by issues surrounding ownership of my work, but these have hopefully been resolves, since I had a talk with my super yesterday. Before that, I was bottling it all in, but now I hope that nothing involving my own stuff will be done without permission, at least not by him.

A long time ago the hospital said they'd give me a psychologist, but I never got one, and seem to be lost in the beaurocratic maze. That's OK I guess, because I don't always beleive that shrinks are helpful. Especially not when you don't meet often. I always have the feeling that simply because they expect me to open up and dig in my past, I clam up and become completely unserious. I also kind of despise the psyhcological jargon. But I have been reading a lot of psych self help books which sustained me, and I have been talking to T. the social worker for about 1/2 hour every months or 6 weeks, which is really helpful. On the macro level. In the micro, it is still a lot of ups and downs and turbulence, and I wonder if it will always be like that.

I decided to leave off the decision regarding Asia until it can be decided by itself. The reason I gave was my health, which is true, I mean, I would like to know my most recent counts (taken without any special problems a week after the bloodtaking fiasco I described under "ouch"). But my doctors don't object, they even gave me a letter for XXXXese customs. It's just that going to a country where HIV is illegal freaks me out. Going somewhere were I will be alone too. Leaving P. for several weeks doesn't seem lucrative. Hell, leaving the bed in the morning is getting harder as the days are colder, wetter and grayer. But mostly, if I try to think what I am afraid of exactly, but also what I crave, paradoxically, it's that feeling of being "out there", alone, doing my thing, meeting strangers, getting things going, being polite, dressing in a businesslike fashion and appearing as though I know what the fuck it is I am talking about, fighting fatigue, increasing the enormous learning curve I have been on for the last years by an unknown but huge factor... some days it's attractive, some days downright terrifying, and I think what the hell do I need this for when I have this disease, and I better accept my limitations. It's not even that I am ambitious when it comes to the job, or to anything in fact.

Haven't slept in my house for a few days, but at P.'s. My bedroom is dark (a hallogen bulb burned out and I can't find one to replace it) and freezing. And it's not even properly cold yet!

I don't seem to be able to express myself properly, at least not in writing, in the last days. I have been thinking of course, but not writing. I watched for 2 consecutive days two movies that made me think. One was Secretary, the other Memoirs of a Geisha. Of course, the first one is cutting edge and acclaimed and the second is mushy kitsch (but oh, Kyoto!), but the stories are so similar - a hurting young woman doing anything to be with an aloof, distant, even dangerous father-figure of a man, and succeeding. Happy end. And in both cases, you wonder: why him? And the answer is never in the man but always in the girl and her condition, which is helpless, whether that is self-inflicted or not. I guess I feel that if I will go to Asia again I will slip out of that role. Sure P. wants to see me strong and independent, but then would I need him? It's all about the balance. But where does that lie? Nowhere towards the end of this post I guess, and now I have to decide whether to go to work (to which I am late already) or work from here and hit the gym and then go to work, which will make me feel less guilty. Guess I'll stick with the latter.

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