I have 5 minutes, 5 min b4 I leave the bldg and hop out into the cold Nov night, to meet friends. What a hectic day, life, I am exauhsted, breathlessly jumping for one thing to another, unable to complete even 5 min of concentration, random, erratic.
I know I should be taking better care but I fell off the wagon somehow, kind of like an addict, yeah, like Kiedis' whose bio I am about to finish on the stepper, gone are the days when I would be reading a book a week or much much more.
Where am I? I am lost, apparently alone in the workplace, even though it's only 20.00, everyone is long gone, and if I didn't have an appointment downtown I'd be gone too.
I am going crazy. Echt waar. I don't mean that I will need to be hospitalized or that I am becoming psycho, nope, but I am going nuts. Too many things, issues, descisions, love, contacts, dreams, hopes, fears, horrors... it's just too much. And so little time. I can't handle it.
I would appreciate a comment from anyone who knows what that feels like, because it is so hard to get a grip sometimes.
I will either break, or falter, or do the things that mean the most to me, like this thing I am doing now. This is the essence, the rest is just ego and fear. Well sod it; it's not like I have a pension or anything waiting, and everything that I have is all good and well, but is this it? I am showing others how smart I am hopefully, and building pyramids of stress and fear of disappointing on my shoulders, but what about me, what about what it means to be sick and alone and single in another country without a place to really call home and a great fear of the future and all this lust for life and writing that wants to erupt? How long will I cave in?
I have to run. With all due respect, I am not Keidis or any other junkie, I am just normative obedient collaborative me, and mustn't be late.