Sunday, October 01, 2006

Love & forgiveness

Today is Yom Kuppur, it's a day to say sorry to all those you hurt, and a day to fast and repent for your sins. Even though I am not religious, usually I would fast on this day and spend the time thinking. But I consider myself exempt, since I am on the meds.

Today is the first time P. said that he thinks that he loves me. We spent the whole weekend cycling. I have always thought that the guy who will bother to teach my how to cycle will become my husband, it was always an immensly difficult thing for me to learn, involving motor skills, so a very different kind of learning than what I am used to. And now I learned it. My whole body is cramped from the too-small bike (the kind only kids use in the NL) but I learned it.

Today is also B.'s birthday, I had sent him an ecard, and got a very touching thank you card back that brought tears to my eyes. We will always love each other, and always be friends. it feels wonderful to keep such a good relation with an ex. He does not blame me for infecting him, and I, well, I can't say that I forgive myself, but I can say that I didn't know, I just didn't know.

I also got an email from someone whose writing meant a lot to me, and that was very nice, I hope to be able to meet him in a month or two. He wished me luck on my quest for love and acceptance, and I can't think of a better wish. Also, my virtual ties with other pozzes are getting stronger, both in Israel and worldwide.

I am so touched by all this, and by my friends R. & C. my wonderful parents, my friends at home and abroad, and my brother. I feel so blessed in this life, to have been sent all these wonderful people, also T. my social worker and T. my behavioral therapist, and the medical staff, and the people that I know, and knew, and will know, even my bosses and collegues, and people that I know only from the internet. I really have been surrounded with the most wonderful cast of people in my life.
Today, I feel very strongly, even though I am not going to do anything religious, that there is a God. I got a stress headache watching "inside Africa" on CNN today, all the terrible pain and suffering there, and in other parts of the world, and global warming, and what goes on in Israel/Palestine. These are all evil things that people do, but I do feel there is a God, looking out for us, trying to help us help ourselves.

I have to go (not run, just leave) before I start crying on the keyboard, but it is a good kind of crying.

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