Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Time/fear/the right thing

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like lately for the lack of it. I always seem to be on the go, I never seem to just sit and take it in. Since I had heard from one of my Dutch classmates that it is considered a bad omen to rush in & out of the house when you forgot something, the last time that I sat still was when I re-entered the house yesterday, after forgetting my mobile. i just sat on the sofa in my lovely spacious living room and looked around. It was serene. But I am never around to enjoy it, and when I am around I am always in a scramble, to work, to the gym (even today when I decided to work from home because I have a meeting with my bosses and Dutch later), to P.'s house, outside for sport or shopping. I have written here that my life is one of the most peaceful there is and it's absoultely true, why then do I always feel short of breath, on the go? And when I meet a friend, I want other friends to be there, so i don't lose them (for instance having made plans with C. to go out this Sat., I already thought of combining my other friends, at least my girl friends, but it is a problem, because you want intimacy, and I don't think I can have that with too many people around, esepcially when guys are there it always turns into rucous laughter, which is great, I mean, anything to escape small talk, but is also a kind of small talk. i have discovered though that I can carry some sort of inner stability with me and bring it even to the most strained social circumstances, just by really seeing, really talking to the person in front, and trying to sense them).

Yesterday I saw again that woman that I deeply distrust and dislike. I wouldn't even say dislike, except she causes a big feeling of miscomfort in me, and I wonder what it means, and what traits of me that I am suppressing I see in her. Nummero uno would be, I think, the lack of control. She is always in a scramble, like me, and always gives the impression that she is on the improv. If only she''d walk into a class and say, look, I haven't had time to prepare, let's read through this together. But no, she will always do one dishonsest thing or another. Thank God I don't have direct contact with her, though still more contact than I'd like. Quite frankly, she scares me. The only consollation I have is that others feel the same, and I ain't the only mental one. Though there is something soothing about finding out that fear of something is only in one's mind, and that others don't share it.

Fear. Went cycling out of town with P. yesterday, then back into town at dark. and since I am a complete newbie to cycling, there were a couple of hairy incidents where, say, a big van was blocking our side of the road, and I had to overtake it, but bikes were coming from the front and back, and I thought I'd lose my balance, so i just dropped my feet to the floor. The Dutch, unlike their reputation for wild, impatient and even violent cycling, were very nice about it, considering that a full-grown woman nearly caused a pileup. But I decided it's too early for me to cycle in the city, unless it's a Sunday. being able to get on a bike and go is such huge progress for me, beacsue I thought I'd never learn it, and is nothing short of a miracle in my case. So I will just let myself get used to it, slowly. But anyhoo, at one point me and P. were cycling along this narrow bike path atop a rise between two canals, out in the country, and it was really steep on both sides, and I felt as though I was walking a beam (something which i always dreaded being forced to do in PE as a child) or a tightrope, especially as this path was studded with these rails they put to prevent animals from passing, and my stomach really tightened. I remember my doctor at the HIV ward telling me not to do anything I was afraid of, refering to my planned solo trip to Asia, which got cancelled since I broke my arm, and I must say that was a relief, and once again proof that when we let go, the Universe takes care of us - yes I know this is New Age bollocks, and I know, that for billions worldwide this is the most cynical utterance, since they are dying, being killed, or just living out a hellish existence because of poverty, the decisions of various politicians and generals, and basically the entire stinking and irreplacable capitalist big-fish-eat-little-fish patriarchic - even if women like Kond-oh-lee-zah are now involved - system. But I have to take a different view on things, for my sake. I have to beleive that when I lose control, I gain control, something which the scary woman obviously lacks, over my emotions, my stability. Anyway i went off again, what I was going to write is, I replied to the doc that if I didn't do anything I was scared of, I'd do nothing at all, because basically everything makes me nervous, especially in a state of mind like this. I suppose that he meant, look inside you, sense your heart and gut (are they the same?) and follow through. Do the right thing. For you. Something like that. Well the right thing for me was to call P. and ask him out, and then take the plunge a few weeks later and reveal my status. The right thing was telling P. that I infected B. even though he hasn't given me oral sex since and I sure do miss it ;0). The right thing was staying home today and working for home and going for a sprint in the once-again (once-again! now isn't that a theme) beautiful weather. But all of these things are also nerveracking. But they are the right thing. For me.

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