spannend

Spannend is a Dutch word that has 2 meanings, the first is excited, thrilled, in the best sense of the word; the second is nervous, or tense. There is no equivalent English word.

I am just writing this quickly on a rainy Friday morning before I leave for a meeting with my bosses. They want me to go to a certain Asian country where I had planned to go for my work last year, but put off the whole thing because of my diagnosis and everything that ensued. I have never been there. Always wanted to go there. That country doesn't allow HIV+ in, at all. I will have to talk to the doctors. I will have to see if I am up for the trip. I was nervous about leaving P. and my life here, it seems that everytime something settles into any kind of routine a wave of change rolls through. I am worried about a million things, so much so that my temples ache and my neck is stiff, but I am also incredibely excited. It set of a whole wave of ambition for me, so that I hardly slept in the last couple days.

Now I am censuring myself, because I always imagine that someone from work might be reading this. But if so, then they already know who I am, I guess. They want me also to go to 2 comventions, both of which take place at the same time, one of which is in Asia, so that would be handy to combine with that country I am talking about.

And P. asked me to come to his family over Christmas and New Year's, now they live where the other convention is going to be. But I didn't agree yet. I told him I have to consider. we'd just finished a great and improvised meal of mussles and potatoes - I went by the supermarket after work and they had a deal on a kilo of mussles and I was too tired to shop around anymore so I just picked them up, having never cooked mussels before and in fact hardly ever saw them being cooked I was nervous [mussels being not-kosher and also very expensive in Israel]. The package said to boil them in water but I wanted to fry them in a work with vegetables and spices, and I did, and they opened up beautifuly and tasted great, and P. was so impressed, because we hadn't planned a big dinner, in fact he was busy working and just dropped by for 1/2 hour, which turned of course into something much longer. Maybe it's the mussels that did it, but he asked me what my plans for Christmas were.

He is going home for 2 weeks. I knew I didn't want to stay here over Christmas, but two weeks with his family! I am thrilled that he asked me, a little resentful because he didn't come to Venice with mine, but especially nervous about hanging out with his family for that long. I don't think I should go for that long, and then there is the control thing again. Needing to control, manipulate, make sure others' reactions to me are what I think that I need. What if I get premenstrual, or menstrual, while there? What if I get sick? Bored? Sad? Restless? His family are ultra-conservative, probabaly more than anybody I'd met, including even religious Jews. They don't speak English. His friends from home don't either. But yeah I'd still love to go. Just tha idea that he asked is wonderful. But I think I will go for a week, a few days out of which we might be travelling. We will not even be able to share a room for Christ's sake (since it is Christmas I'm talking about I thought I'd evoke him)!

What if that country I want to work in fids out I have HIV when I clear customs? I have been stopped in the Netherlands once with my stash of drugs but when I said I had a chronic disease they let me go. What if I get sick while there? It is not even like Thailand. I won't be able to say I have HIV if I need to go to a hospital.
Ditto I guess for P.'s country, although it is a first-world, EU country. I asked him, crazy controlling me, I asked him "what if we have an accident while I am there, and they take me to hospital, and I have to say what I have? What if your mother cleans my room and snoops around and finds my drugs and asks me what they are?". I have to think of all these things. He said he doesn't know how he would react, the poor guy. How would he? For him just inviting me is a big step. But he can be self-centered, I mean, I asked him when he'd be coming to IL, and he was, like, "you know how busy I am". Then again, he kind of is like myself. He doesn't like to give a promise, unless he thinks he can keep it.

I am so happy he asked me. I am so happy about maybe going to Asia again. I made a timeline of everything I need to do this year which I have to present to my bosses, and it is absolutely packed, but I am so thrilled. Yet so nervous. Spannend.