Thursday, March 08, 2007

Bug life/niets is zeker

There is an advertisment on Dutch TV for an insurance company, niets is zeker (nothing is certain/secure). I don't need Delta Lloyd to tell me that niets is zeker, my CD4 is again under the red line, I don't know why. My VL is still undetectable, or was a few weeks ago, but my CD is just not rising. Besides, I doubt they would insure me anyway, or that I could afford their premia if they did.
Insurance, what a strange concept. My health bill for 2006 came through, it was more than 13,000 Euro. Luckily the Dutch health system reformed. I mean, when I was diagnosed I wasn't even insured, but they changed the law as they do every couple of years and during 2006 no health insurance company is allowed to refuse anyone. So, momentarily, I am safe.
B's father died. He went to Bangkok for the funeral, needs money again, but I didn't send him money, I didn't even call or skype. In fact, I was sad briefly and sharply this morning when I read his email, then forgot about it during the whole day. I was busy, kind of. I can't bring myself to write my report, I have become really bad at multitasking, but I rehearsed, again, the presentation for next week, this time in the presence of R, who is also recently orphaned of both parents, and M, to whom I came out last Friday after a dinner. And speaking of dinners, I have been eating so much and put on quite a bit of weight, and summer is just round the corner, especially in the corners of the world I will travel to shortly. But hey, even Tyra Banks is chubby these days, and instead of tormenting emanciated models-in-the-make, she is delivering group hugs and wiping tearing on Dutch TV. I find that insincere, but I know now that we all have all sides to us, and whichever side we wish to express, that is who we are at the moment. I myself am lashing out at a fearful mother on the Ynet HIV forum one day, when she expresses concern that her 3-year-old will get HIV from a kindergarten playmate, and even dares to say that "the suspect" is not an Ethiopian kid, and afterwards I say, "I understand you, you fear for your child, but you have nothing to fear from HIV at least until he becomes interested in sex [or has to undergo medical care I want to add, but I don't, too provocative, even as Israel is reeling from a scandals of multiple deaths in the hospitals from a killer bug, but they are not ready to hear my truth; at least they don't erase me anymore], so in the meantime worry about other things, and if you talk to someone maybe it will help to keep the fears in control. But me, all I do is talk to someone, and does it help? Sometime I think I move from one peak, or valley, of tormention to another. Everything is difficult, nothing obvious, and even P's warm sleeping body does not console, there is just me and my bellyfull of problems, insecurities, unassurences, uninsurances, and niets is zeker and it never was.

1 comment:

admire your strength said...

It's one of best blogs I've ever seen.
Wish you all the best in the world.
I hope you'll write again soon