19.4.2007

Wow, I knew that it's been a long time since I posted but hadn't realized how long it really was. I came back from Spain. I came back from Israel. Winter changed into spring. I've fallen into depression, climbed back out, fallen again.... I am still struggling in this swamp and there is no way out. The sun outside in shining, I should be at work but I am in P's house typing away.

I guess I should go back and sum up Spain, after all it caused me so much grief and stress at the time. In one word greathard or hardgreat. I did well, I looked well, I interacted, I seemed successful and bonded with people, I couldn't sleep, I vomited.

I guess I can say the same for Israel, although it was longer. And there there was a lot of sadness thrown in. And a loss of control. I didn't manage to supress my dislike for my sister in law, who appeared by surprise with my brother and was all over the place with her eating disorder. Although admittedly the disorder, which got on everyone's nerves, was the excuse. What I disliked is that she is taking my brother away from everyone, she has a kind of possessive spell on him. I came back to NL, fell into P's arms, and wonder if I have the same spell. The spell of dependency, neediness, weakness, and why being with someone I love sometimes makes me weaker not stronger. Not all the time, sometimes. Like, when I heard that I do not have my extension, not yet that is. I have to apply for it a few months before the end of the contract, not the time that I want to be worried about that especially when it is costing me so much in health insurance costs at home (as my residency expires, I asked to extend it until I finish, but if I don't officially finish when I intend to, I can't extend it till then). This also kind of confirmed the fear that no one and nothing is looking out for me, that I can't trust those people who assure me it'll be OK. How many times had my bosses said that the extension was taken care of?

Other things were related with the HIV and the meds. Fear of lipoatrophy. Fear of peripheral neuropathy. Both based on things that I experience, but not strongly, not all the time, and not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me or not. And the week before my period is not a good time to judge either. But I am scared, really scared. And I can't bring it home to P or anyone else because it just makes him worry and he doesn't understand, nor did I fully understand the full package and implications of being with someone with HIV. People I suppose always think of the sexual implications but they are gone sooner or later and you just start to have a great sex life with a condom. No, the worst thing about HIV right now (for me) is the horrible uncertainty and threat that it generates in a world already uncertain, where parents are aging far away, crazy dictators build atomic bombs, economies fail, work is stressful, the body ages, and to top it all of I am a lab rat in the largest scale pharmacological experiment ever performed.